Ex-Citi exec claims whistleblower mistreatment; Marissa Mayer dodges bullet; So it turns out my dead father worked in porn; and more.

Starwood receives unsolicited bid; Former Goldman director is out of jail; Burglar Insists He Broke Into Home To Save Wife Taylor Swift; and more.

Football player IPO pulled; Warren Buffett's grandson starts investment firm; Goldman sees limited '16 stock market gains; "Drunk Guy On Flight Just Wants To Drop Trou, Smoke Cigarettes"; and more.

$$$ U.S. Banks See Strong Profit [WSJ] $$$ U.S. court says Argentina does not need to make $250 mln deposit [Reuters] $$$ Former Goldman Director Gupta to Stay Free Pending His Appeal [DealBook] $$$ Banks book record profits off Fannie and Freddie [Term Sheet, related] $$$ "The online brokerage of Bank of America Merrill Lynch rolled out something it is calling Face Retirement. ... Here’s how it works: It’s a website that takes your current image, using a web cam, and makes you old and decrepit — the kind of person who will need some cash socked away." [Deal Journal] $$$ "Prosecutors said there is no such thing as a $500 million Federal Reserve note" [UPI] $$$ The CME is looking for an executive director for equity index products [DBCC] $$$ Corporate bond "turnover has not collapsed 80 percent in the same way as dealer inventory, and in fact daily volumes are on a par with where they were in 2007." [Bond Vigilantes] $$$ CME Deliverable ‘Swap Futures’ See Comfortable Debut [MarketBeat] $$$ High Rollers Are Still Big Losers 18 Months After Online Poker's "Black Friday" [BuzzFeed, also MR: "Even if some of these sites were fraudulent, one wonders if the players would not have better off without government 'protection.'"] $$$ The "gentleman groper" is a lawyer, not a banker [ATL, earlier] $$$ "Can a dog be trained to drive a car? New Zealand's Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals proved it could be done." [CBS, video!!!]

$$$ "Congratulations: you’ve now taken a business which was earning 5 per cent to negative 10 per cent. Well done! Now what’s your next trick?" - James Gorman [FT] $$$ Barclays Names McGee Top Americas Corporate and Investment Banker [DealBook] $$$ Viking and ValueAct have outperformed the market YTD, but the median hedge fund return through August is 4.13% [AR] $$$ Game Over: Dave & Buster’s Withdraws IPO [Deal Journal] $$$ "It was the third alligator found roaming free on Long Island in less than a week." [Newsday] $$$ A reader writes, "I know getting drunk and crashing cars into houses on Long Island has been a big fad this year so I figured I'd share." [Newsday, earlier] $$$ A European investment bank is looking for a junior rates trader in New York [DBCC] $$$ Deutsche Bank seen hardest hit by Liikanen reforms [Reuters] $$$ Hard money and the gerontocracy [Noahpinion] $$$ Barry Ritholtz is sick of all the people who are just in finance for the money [TBP] $$$ Gawker recaps a Hulk Hogan sex tape [Gawker] $$$ "But is having your head in a plush diver helmet simply too dorky for the workplace?" Possibly [BusinessWeek]

China; Puerto Rico; Glencore; Ex-Citigroup trader doesn't care if you can't handle the truth; "Selfie Stick Fail: Jeep Driver Films Himself Crashing"; and more.

Hank Paulson tells China to be very afraid; Banks' first quarter trading revenue = cautious optimism; Slovakia telecom IPO comin' at ya; "Man rides 11 miles on hood of SUV in Pennsylvania"; and more.

Jobs and the Fed; Tech's IPO allergy; Saudi Arabian oil megafund; Guy builds creepily life-like Scarlett Johansson robot on his balcony; China cancels April Fool's; and more!