Opening Bell: 3.17.16

Wall Street's Awful Quarter Is Hitting Goldman Sachs, Too (Bloomberg)
Goldman Sachs’s income from investment banking -- advising takeovers and underwriting securities -- is projected to tumble 32 percent this quarter from a year earlier, Credit Suisse Group AG analysts wrote in a note on Tuesday. Internally, some senior executives are anticipating a drop of roughly 25 percent in that business, according to two people with knowledge of the matter, though the estimate may not be formal. Revenue from the bank’s larger trading business will probably fall 17 percent, the Credit Suisse analysts said.

Ex-Federal Reserve worker gets off easy for leaking documents (NYP)
Jason Gross, the former New York Fed employee who pleaded guilty in November to leaking highly confidential government documents to his friend at Goldman Sachs, was sentenced to a year of probation, 200 hours of community service and a $2,000 fine.

Ex-Goldman employee settles SEC insider case, to give up profits (Reuters)
A former Goldman Sachs Group Inc employee hired to help the bank root out illegal conduct settled Securities and Exchange Commission insider trading charges by agreeing to give up $468,132 in profit he made by stealing from the Wall Street bank's email system, the SEC said. The SEC on Wednesday said Yue Han, who had worked in Goldman's compliance division, consented to a final judgment under which he will relinquish various brokerage accounts that had been frozen after the regulator sued him in November. Han also consented to a ban from associating with brokers, dealers, investment advisers and others in the financial services industry. He did not admit wrongdoing.

Legendary Muppets song is actually from a 1960s porno (NYP)
“Mah Nà Mah Nà,” as it is called, was written by Piero Umilani and made its first appearance in the 1968 film “Svezia, inferno e paradiso” (“Sweden: Heaven and Hell”). The film is a “softcore mondo,” a Swedish term for “exploitation documentary,” a movie genre in which softcore pornography is dressed up as a documentary to give it a faint air of respectability.

Bill Ackman Sheds Assets as Pershing Portfolio Sinks (WSJ)
William Ackman’s hedge fund is selling down his biggest investment, as a disastrous bet on Valeant Pharmaceuticals International Inc. tears a hole in its portfolio. The activist investor said his Pershing Square Capital Management LP sold 20 million shares in Mondelez International Inc. after the market closed, which would yield $834 million at current prices.

Yellen steers Fed with cautious hand, despite hints of inflation (Reuters)
Federal Reserve policymakers urging caution over interest rate hikes have gained the upper hand in the central bank's internal debate, but the risk for the U.S. economy is that they are wrong to downplay a recent rise in inflation. In words that echo those of colleagues on the Fed's dovish wing, Fed Chair Janet Yellen told a news conference on Wednesday that "caution is appropriate" when it comes to raising interest rates. She said she was not convinced underlying inflation had accelerated.

Adult Dorms Could be the Future of City Living (Fortune)
For venture capitalists, the opportunity is doubly exciting since the housing practice would theoretically grow exponentially, showing start-up like profit, unlike investing in real estate which generally reaps in moderate returns...Coliving companies target urban areas with high rent prices such as San Francisco, where rent is the highest in the U.S., at a median of $3,346 per month according to Zillow’s January survey.

Rugby Player's Penis Partially Torn Off During Gruesome Tackle (HP)
"The pain was all right and then at halftime I was like, I’ve got to have a look," he told the French Footy blog in an item posted March 11. "I checked on it and the skin is half ripped off and I was like, ‘Shit, where’s the doctor? Where’s the doctor?’ " The doctor sent him to a clinic that night to be treated. Peacock showed his teammates the damage to laughs all around and said he had to "strap it up" for the next game. "#rugbyleague is definitely not a sport I recommend," he wrote in an Instagram post featuring the photo. "11 stitches later for the little fella but she'll be right." Despite the close call, Peacock still refuses to play with a protective cup, telling French Footy it impedes his ability to run.