Fed probably won't do anything next week; Citi trader says bosses loved wrongdoing; "Man angers neighbors by shining 'alien' fighting spotlights"; and more.

$$$ Schaeuble Declares Markets Wrong As Europe Heads To Vacation [Bloomberg] $$$ Don't Force Banks Into 'Draconian' Breakups: Whitney [CNBC] $$$ Morgan Stanley Stock May Be Worth $32 In Breakup, Mayo Says [Bloomberg] $$$ The Merkley plan to refinance underwater mortgages sounds pretty good [Reuters / Felix Salmon] $$$ Outspoken Analyst Kinnucan Pleads Guilty in Insider Case [WSJ] $$$ Man who rescued a 17-pound lobster "felt the nearly 100-year-old crustacean did not deserve to die with its parts soaked in butter. 'If he was 100, he saw World War I, World War II, man on the moon,' he said. 'Being in New England, he even saw the Red Sox win the World Series. So, he didn’t deserve the boiling water.'" [CBS] $$$ Due to recent regulatory requirements, a top bank in Charlotte is looking for a counterparty credit risk manager to be a Basel expert [DBCC] $$$ Libor scandal makes it more costly for bankers to get insured [Reuters] $$$ Europe Aims to Make Rate Manipulation a Criminal Offense [DealBook] $$$ Fund managers to lose securities lending profits [FT] $$$ The Securities and Exchange Commission drew sharp criticism from a federal judge who said they have failed to properly oversee a $55 million investor education fund created by a nearly decade-old settlement with Wall Street banks. The fund had been created as part of a roughly $1.5 billion regulatory accord in 2003 with Citigroup Inc, Goldman Sachs Group Inc, JPMorgan Chase & Co and other banks accused of publishing biased analyst research. U.S. District Judge William Pauley in Manhattan said the SEC has shown a "lack of oversight" and "indifference" toward how a nonprofit organization charged with distributing the money has been managed. ... Pauley pointed as an example to a two-year, $91,500 grant to the Genesee District Library in Flint, Michigan, that appeared to have resulted in just two events, one of which concerned "spending, sharing, and saving" for children ages two to five. "While there may be benefits to starting investor education early, toddlers seem beyond the pale," the judge wrote in an order issued Wednesday. [Reuters] $$$ Mitt Romney would restore 'Anglo-Saxon' relations between Britain and America [Telegraph]

The Man Accused of Spoofing Some of the World's Biggest Futures Exchanges; Pimco assets stabilize; "Best car wash ever features LED light show"; and more,

Goldman Sachs banker accused of rape going to trial in April; Time running out for Greece; "Man Posed As Cop To Cut Into Fast-Food Line"; and more.

White House may change tune on Fannie and Freddie; I.M.F. may have too much on its plate; Elliott’s big tech bets; "Lobster-and-Wine Scandal"; and more.

Treasury chiefs love "Hamilton"; Oil gains; Hedge fund losses; UBS fine; Icahn's new stake; "Drunk Man, 32, Arrested After Telling Police His Name Was 'Kris Kringle'"; and more.

Ex-NY Giant accused of running Ponzi scheme; Wall Street wary of Rand Paul; Starting a business is hard; "Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson Eats About 821 Pounds Of Cod Per Year"; and more.

Bill Miller buys Valeant; BofA sees more cuts coming; Florida man plans to use 'ocean bubble' to travel to the Caribbean; and more.