Updated:

Jan 14, 2019

Original:

Apr 27, 2016

New York Man Assaulted Having The Same Face As The Guy In 'Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps'

Are you happy Shia??

Author:

It's tough out there for a Shia Labeouf lookalike.

Mario Licato, 26 — who could pass for the self-indulgent star’s brother — had just stepped off an F train at the Delancey Street station on the Lower East Side and was headed to Pianos bar at 8 p.m. Saturday when the Shia-hating attacker struck. “I didn’t even see it coming,” Licato, of Bushwick, told The Post. “All I saw was fists. I fell down the stairs and woke up covered in blood with my glasses broken in half. “All I heard him say was, ‘This is because you look like ‘Shia LaBeouf!’ And then he ran away,” said Licato, who sustained a black eye and a 3-inch gash on his nose.

I was punched in the face because I look like Shia LaBeouf [NYP]
New York man punched in the face because he 'looks exactly like Shia LaBeouf' [EW via Matt Levine]

Related: Shia LaBeouf Knows What It Takes To Get Hired At Goldman Sachs

Alternatively titled: Libidinous Office Workers Demonstrate Step-by-Step Guide To Putting On A Show

Once upon a time, as in two years ago, Wall Street Journal foreign-affairs columnist Bret Stephens hired an intern from West Point who blew him away with her accomplishments and talent. When she wasn't performing "field exercises in which she kept a bullet proof vest on at all times, even while sleeping" she was writing "brilliantly" and was one of the most "self-effacing" people Stephens had ever met. Currently, the former intern is fighting the Taliban in Afghanistan and to this day, whenever Stephens thinks of her, he is awed and impressed, as most people would be. Unfortunately, he probably won't have the opportunity to hire another individual of her caliber, because approximately 99% of this woman's generation is made up of despicable low-life scumbags who exist to make Stephens sick. Take a guy Bret interviewed a couple months back. Kid had an "astonishingly high GPA from an Ivy League university and aspirations to write about Middle East politics." The two got to chatting about Suez Crisis of '56 and over the course of the chat it became apparent that this kid "didn't know who was the president of the United States in 1956. And he didn't know who succeeded that president." Know where that guy is now? In Bret Stephens's meat locker, as he well should be. And while Stephens hasn't had the opportunity to interview each and every member of the Class of 2012, he's doesn't have to in order to know what they're all about, which is being a bunch of degenerate jerk-offs who suck at their parents' teat because they can't get the jobs they don't deserve that aren't available because they are commies who voted for Obama. Sayth Stephens: Dear Class of 2012: Allow me to be the first one not to congratulate you. Through exertions that—let's be honest—were probably less than heroic, most of you have spent the last few years getting inflated grades in useless subjects in order to obtain a debased degree. Now you're entering a lousy economy, courtesy of the very president whom you, as freshmen, voted for with such enthusiasm. Please spare us the self-pity about how tough it is to look for a job while living with your parents. They're the ones who spent a fortune on your education only to get you back— return-to-sender, forwarding address unknown...If you're like [West Point] intern, please feel free to feel sorry for yourself. Just remember she doesn't. Unfortunately, dear graduates, chances are you're nothing like her. And don't you ever forget it, pieces of garbage. To read through your CVs, dear graduates, is to be assaulted by endless Advertisements for Myself. Here you are, 21 or 22 years old, claiming to have accomplished feats in past summer internships or at your school newspaper that would be hard to credit in a biography of Walter Lippmann or Ernie Pyle...In every generation there's a strong tendency for everyone to think like everyone else. But your generation has an especially bad case, because your mass conformism is masked by the appearance of mass nonconformism. It's a point I learned from my West Point intern, when I asked her what it was like to lead such a uniformed existence. Her answer stayed with me: Wearing a uniform, she said, helped her figure out what it was that really distinguished her as an individual. Now she's a second lieutenant, leading a life of meaning and honor, figuring out how to Think Different for the sake of a cause that counts. Not many of you will be able to follow in her precise footsteps, nor do you need to do so. But if you can just manage to tone down your egos, shape up your minds, and think unfashionable thoughts, you just might be able to do something worthy with your lives. And even get a job. Good luck! Stephens: To The Class Of 2012 [WSJ]

If Tommy "I will run you over in the street" Belesis ever beats those fraud charges, the first thing he does is contact the writer of this letter to sign up for a 2-week intensive course that involves shadowing the master around campus (there is much to learn). The rest of you: take notes.

Are you just waking up from a nap, perhaps your second of the day? Did you take it under your desk, curled up on the conference room floor, or in a bathroom stall? If the idea of regularly catching a few winks at your place of work sounds like a fireable offense, relax: apparently everyone is doing it, says Bloomberg BusinessWeek. Yes, from the people who brought you "90 percent of Wall Street does calisthenics in the middle of the trading floor," comes "Sleeping On The Job? Good! Overachievers Do." According to BBW, "many Wall Street types use power-napping to make up for lost sleep," at the office. Where do these naps take place? Wherever looks comfy and you can fit a pillow and an eye mask if overhead lights are an issue. Got some colleagues who haven't gotten the memo and continue to rudely pound the keyboard as though they don't know you're trying to get some sleep here? One woman recommended "heading out to the car to recharge." Sleepy Bankers Take Secret Naps [Bloomberg] Sleeping on the Job? Good! Overachievers Do [BusinessWeek] Related: The “Workout Taking Over Wall Street” Involves Treating Your Place Of Work Like Your Own Personal “Curves”

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