Hank Paulson tells China to be very afraid; Banks' first quarter trading revenue = cautious optimism; Slovakia telecom IPO comin' at ya; "Man rides 11 miles on hood of SUV in Pennsylvania"; and more.

Dead bulls walking; Pimco on Fed; Paulson on China; Quirky files for bankruptcy; Pasta Passes sell out in < 1 second; "PETA sues to give monkey ownership of selfie"; and more.

$$$ Inside a Star Hedge Fund: Lots of Big Bets, Built Fast [WSJ] $$$ Fed pushes banks to ignore rivals when setting bonuses [Reuters] $$$ JPMorgan Board Backs CEO Dimon as Chairman, Pays Zames More [Bloomberg] $$$ The Senate Drafts the SEC's Case Against JPMorgan [BBW] $$$ "A J.P. Morgan Chase employee climbed onstage at a black-tie dinner held on Wall Street Thursday night and accepted an award on behalf of the embattled bank for 'best crisis management.' ... Kathy Hu, an executive director in J.P. Morgan’s investor relations department, accepted the award and quipped: 'Can I just say, "Crisis? What crisis?"' J.P. Morgan beat out nominees Chevron Corp., which struggled with a refinery fire last year, and St. Jude Medical Inc., which battled heart-device problems." [Deal Journal] $$$ Pope calls Argentine kiosk owner to cancel paper delivery [CNA] $$$ Hey, Let Harvard Alumni Have Their Fun This Morning [DI] $$$ Deutsche Bank mulls raising fixed pay to counter EU bonus rules [Reuters] $$$ Judges’ Spat Strikes a Chord Among Deal Makers [DealBook] $$$ "Now some distressed debt investors get to find out what exactly it is you buy when you buy American-issued debt in a company incorporated in the Cayman Islands and doing business in China. I suspect the answer will be 'not much.'" [DealBook] $$$ "Henry Blodget is, in all seriousness, an artist of the internet whose methods should be studied and analyzed for future generations." [Gawker] $$$ "Finally I should note that the rectal gonorrhoea is the reason for my odour." Investment research! [Bronte Capital]

$$$ EXCLUSIVE: Here's The Inside Story Of What Happened On The Facebook IPO [BI / Henry Blodget] $$$ "A senior Nasdaq Stock Market official told customers Tuesday afternoon that it would have pulled the plug on Facebook Inc.'s initial public offering had it known the full extent of the technical problems that plagued its systems." [WSJ] $$$ Occupy Wall Street Alternative Banking Group Files Amicus Brief on Side of Judge Rakoff in SEC v. Citigroup; the brief is very clever [NC] $$$ A former high frequency trader proposes eliminating the subpenny rule [Chris Stucchio] $$$ Auction of Reagan's Blood Sparks Outrage [Reuters] $$$ Prudential Capital is looking for an investment associate in Chicago/Minneapolis [DBCC] $$$ At Hearing, Regulators Discuss JPMorgan Investigation [DealBook] $$$ Zuckerberg’s Property Status, Post-Marriage [NYT] $$$ Disclosure by Short-Sellers Would Improve Market Clarity [DealBook / Steven Davidoff] $$$ "A Silicon Valley tech executive faces charges after authorities say he put fake bar codes on hundreds of Lego sets at various Target stores so he could buy the toys at steeply discounted prices, then sell them online for thousands of dollars in profits." [AP]

FED; FED; FED; FED; You Can Worship 'Star Wars' At This Movie-Themed Church Service; and more.

White House may change tune on Fannie and Freddie; I.M.F. may have too much on its plate; Elliott’s big tech bets; "Lobster-and-Wine Scandal"; and more.

Jose Cuevero said to be planning IPO; SunEdison preparing for bankruptcy; Octopus slips out of aquarium tank, crawls across floor, escapes down pipe to ocean; and more.

$$$ Cyprus Rejects Deposit Levy in Blow to European Bailout Plan [Bloomberg] $$$ Cyprus’s bad haircut day [Felix Salmon] $$$ Matt Yglesias's proposals for Cyprus include selling Northern Cyprus to Turkey and Ben Bernanke giving it a €5.8bn present [Slate] $$$ Florida Financier Charged in Facebook IPO Fraud [WSJ] $$$ Credit Suisse sacks around 12 from NY rates team [Reuters] $$$ Goldman Sachs’s Scialla Twins Leave for Home-Design Firm [Bloomberg] $$$ RBC is looking for a research associate to cover medical devices healthcare companies in New York [DBCC] $$$ Activist Fights Draw More Attention [WSJ] $$$ Ackman’s J.C. Penney Losses Signal Buyout Need [Bloomberg] $$$ NFL Teams With Private-Equity Firm to Seek Media, Tech Investments [WSJ] $$$ U.S. Probes Microsoft, Partners Over Bribery Claims [WSJ] $$$ Bigamist attorney, who secretly wed a stripper and got caught, suspended six months [NYDN]