Opening Bell: 5.16.16

Ireland Ready and Waiting for Post-Brexit Bankers (WSJ)
In his quest to lure banking jobs to Ireland, Martin Shanahan has an unwitting ally—the U.K. government. The 43-year-old head of the Irish development agency, IDA Ireland, is looking to attract 10,000 finance jobs in Ireland in the next four years. A U.K. referendum on whether to quit the European Union is making his life easier. “Investors like certainty,” Mr. Shanahan said on the edge of a conference to promote Ireland’s financial sector earlier this year. The prospect of a U.K. exit “might give them a case to look at other options.”

Tech Startups Come Up With Some Creative Definitions for ‘Profitable’ (Bloomberg)
Uber said it was profitable in the U.S. and Canada during the first quarter of this year. Lyft said it is "on a clear and defined path to profitability." Postmates said it will be profitable by the end of 2017. DoorDash is "cash-flow positive" in some markets. TaskRabbit will be "profitable profitable" by the end of this year. It "won't be too long" until Airbnb is profitable. Instacart is "gross margin profitable." Luxe Valet is "on the precipice of being profitable" in some markets. At Y Combinator's demo day in March, many bright-eyed entrepreneurs clinched their pitches with a robust "and we're already profitable!"

Twist in an Insider-Trading Case (WSJ)
Last year, following a landmark 2014 ruling on insider-trading law, prosecutors dropped all criminal charges against Thomas Conradt and Daryl Payton for trading on advance information about a deal. The men no longer faced jail time. Mr. Conradt was looking at a payment of less than $3,000. Now, law-enforcement authorities are seeking seven-figure penalties against the men, and a federal judge has suggested a possible criminal perjury investigation of Mr. Payton. The turnabout came in February, when the two men took the stand in a civil trial on related allegations. They both seemed to contradict testimony they had given earlier, much of it offered when they faced criminal charges. The judge and government blew up. The Securities and Exchange Commission accused Mr. Conradt of “outrageous conduct” aimed at intentionally undermining the SEC case.

Will IPOs Pick Up? June Will Tell (WSJ)
In January, no companies listed in the U.S. Since then, deal activity has been roughly a third of what it was in the same period last year, according to Dealogic. June is typically one of the busiest months of the year for initial public offerings, and several companies are expected to move ahead with deals then, if not sooner. U.S. Foods Holding Corp., a large U.S. food-service distributor, filed updated terms for its IPO on Friday. “A healthy June would absolutely be a harbinger for a healthy IPO market,” said Marc Jaffe, co-chairman of the global capital-markets practice at law firm Latham & Watkins LLP.

Florida woman taken to hospital with shark attached to arm (UPI)
A 23-year-old Florida woman bitten by a 2-foot nurse shark Sunday afternoon was taken to the hospital with it still attached to her arm, a fire rescue spokesman said. A splint board was used to support the unidentified woman's arm and the shark as she lay on the stretcher and was placed into an ambulance at Red Reef Park off the Atlantic Ocean, Ocean Rescue Capt. Clint Tracy said. The shark was killed by a bystander before the fire department's arrival "but was still attached to her arm" when she arrived at Boca Regional Hospital in stable condition, fire rescue spokesman Robert Lemons said. She later was released from the hospital, Lemons told UPI. Several people nearby said the woman and her friends were antagonizing the shark.

Carl Icahn's fund moves to large bearish stance (Reuters)
The net short position of an investment fund run by billionaire Carl Icahn sharply increased at the end of the first quarter, meaning he could be one of the biggest beneficiaries if financial markets crash, Barron's reported over the weekend. The fund had a net short position of 149 percent at the end of the first quarter in stark comparison to 25 percent at the end of 2015 and a net long position of 4 percent a year ago, the report said.

Norway Wealth Fund Will Seek to Join Class Action Against VW (Bloomberg)
Norway’s $850 billion wealth fund will seek to join a class action suit in Germany against Volkswagen AG following revelations the carmaker rigged the exhaust systems of 11 million diesel-powered cars worldwide to pass official emissions tests. Norges Bank Investment Management “intends to join a legal action against Volkswagen arising out of that the company provided incorrect emissions data,” fund spokeswoman Marthe Skaar said in an e-mailed statement. The fund, which according to data compiled by Bloomberg owns 1.64 percent in Volkswagen, said it’s acting “to safeguard” its holding in the carmaker.

Hedge Funds Keep Betting on Silver Even as Rally Starts to Fade (Bloomberg)
“The intensity of bullishness that has come into this space in the last four months has just been mind-blowing,” Shree Kargutkar, an associate portfolio manager at Sprott Asset Management, which oversees C$9 billion, said in a telephone interview May 11. “Silver’s done very impressively this year.”

Flying Turtle Crashes Through Shell-Shocked Woman’s Car Windshield (HP)
Nicole Marie Bjanes was driving at 75 miles per hour on I-4 in Deltona on Monday when the reptile suddenly smashed through her front window, bounced off the passenger seat and landed on the dashboard. “As soon as it hit the windshield, of course I was a little freaked out and hysterical,” Bjanes told ABC News...Florida Highway Patrol officers confirmed that the turtle had been thrown airborne after being struck by another vehicle in front. Incredibly, Bjanes only suffered minor injuries and was treated for minor cuts by EMTs at the scene. The turtle was unscathed and placed in a nearby pond, where it swam away.