Guy Who's Been Around For Whole Of Human History Can't Remember A Worse Day Than Today

Alan Greenspan has seen things, and this is the worst of it.

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Updated:: Jan 14, 2019
Original:: Jun 24, 2016

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How bad is the news that the British decided to leave the European Union? For those of you wondering if all the freaking out is out of proportion, that this whole thing will blow over and everything will be back to normal by Monday morning, former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is here to put things in perspective: people aren't freaking out enough. In fact, in all of Greenspan's time, which is vast, this strikes him as pretty much the worst time ever, and that includes both Black Friday of '87 and the more recent financial crisis that he caused, which he'd prefer not to discuss.

"This is the worst period, I recall since I've been in public service," Greenspan said on "Squawk on the Street." "There's nothing like it, including the crisis — remember October 19th, 1987, when the Dow went down by a record amount 23 percent? That I thought was the bottom of all potential problems. This has a corrosive effect that will not go away."

'This is the worst,' Alan Greenspan says of British break from EU [CNBC]

Even your and Alan Greespan's inability to master the terminal's most terribly elementary functions will do.

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Really, it'd make that whole thing look like child's play.

Suck it, humans!

A couple weeks back, we noted that Bridgewater Associates had informed employees that they would be required to sit for an exam on the contents of Principles, a 123 page company handbook of sorts, written by founder Ray Dalio and comprised of hundreds of "principles" that guide every aspect of life at the firm. Though familiarity with them has always been an essential part of the job, there has never been a formal test determining that all employees met the required level of efficiency and some people were said to be a bit nervous about what to expect. Luckily, a group called the Principles Training Team sent out an email yesterday walking everyone through what "Test Day" will entail and it appears there is nothing to worry about. The exam, which will begin at 9AM and end at 5PM with a break for lunch is simply "meant to feel like a day-long conversation on Principles." That doesn't sound so bad, right? Sure, parts of that conversation (which will take place between you and your computer), during which you "should have no materials on your desk," will be graded, but Bridgewater is simply trying to determine "what you know and honestly think about Principles." Think of this thing as just a coupla wildebeests, havin' a chat. Of course, as is the case in any animal kingdom, sometimes you'll find a few wildebeests looking to cut corners via cheat sheets-- you don't want to be those wildebeests, as the PTT will "audit for cheating, and cheating will be dealt with severely." To that end, don't be a weasley wildebeest who suddenly comes with a stomach bug on Test Day. The PTT will "keep track of lateness or unexpected absence," and suggests one might want to "think twice about calling in 'sick'!" Good luck to all! ******************************************* Earlier: A Wildebeest Leaves New York Traveling North At 10 MPH. A Hyena Leaves Westport Traveling South At 15MPH. At What Time Does The Wildebeest Get Eaten?

By Alexandre Prévot from Nancy, France (Italian line up) [CC BY-SA 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Yes, "Ferrari road trips" are a thing.

Buffett said in the letter that he was looking for someone who was emotionally stable, could avoid serious risks, think independently and read human behavior. He also tried to reassure shareholders that he was in excellent health: "It's amazing what Cherry Coke and hamburgers will do for a fellow."-- New York Times, March 9, 2007 "The Economic Club of Washington rolled out a special head table — and laid in a special soft drink supply — at the Marriott Wardman Park in the District last Tuesday for the club’s 25th anniversary, where it hosted billionaire investor Warren Buffett...Economic Club Executive Director Mary Brady said she was advised by Buffett’s assistant, Debbie Bosanek, to keep things moving and find a supply of Cherry Coke (Buffett loves it...The Marriott Wardman Park, which is a Pepsi venue, made a special exception."-- Washington Post, June 10, 2012 For six months, as the credit crisis deepened, billionaire investor Warren Buffett turned away a string of Wall Street firms that came hat in hand looking for help. On Tuesday, Mr. Buffett says, he was sitting with his feet on his desk in Omaha, drinking a Cherry Coke and munching on mixed nuts, when he got an unusually candid call from a Goldman Sachs investment banker. Tell us what kind of investment you'd consider making in Goldman, the banker urged him, and the firm would try to hammer out a deal.-- Wall Street Journal, September 25, 2008 David Rolfe, chief investment officer of Wedgewood Partners, which owns Berkshire stock, said the cancer was a non-news event. “I’m more worried about him getting hit by the Cherry Coke truck,” Rolfe said, a reference to Buffett’s professed love of the Coca-Cola product.-- Deal Journal, April 18, 2012 Whenever I lost track of Buffett, [Cherry] Coke often appeared to guide me--a carbonated version of the proverbial trail of crumbs. In London, our party went from airport to hotel in separate cars. When I arrived at the Berkeley Hotel, I did not have to wonder for long whether Buffett had preceded me. A bellhop approached with a shopping bag. ''Is this yours?'' he asked. Inside were two six-packs of Cherry Coke. Two days later, I was in the crowded lobby of the Schlosshotel Kronberg near Frankfurt, following a white-gloved waiter bearing aloft a single bottle of Coca-Cola on a silver tray.-- BusinessWeek, June 5, 1999 The above is but a mere sampling, a drop in the bucket, of articles printed over the years intended to show us how much Berkshire Hathaway CEO Warren Buffett loves Cherry Coke. That it is his exclusive soft drink of choice. That he spurns all others in its favor. That he bathes in it. That he pisses it. That he bleeds not blood, but Cherry Coke. That the mere suggestion of drinking something that is not Cherry Coke makes him sick. That the notion he wouldn't be able to tell the difference between Cherry Coke- his lifeblood- and, say, Diet Dr. Pepper or Pepsi Wild Cherry, would be laughable. And then this happened: The takeaway here is that we've all been pawns an an extremely sick game. Warren Buffett Fails the Cherry Coke Taste Test [BloombergTV]

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The most charismatic living American was back on TV.