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English Pigs Predict Britain Will Remain In European Union

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By Calibas (Own work) [GFDL or CC BY-SA 4.0-3.0-2.5-2.0-1.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Photo: Calibas, via Wikimedia Commons

In less than two weeks, our friends across the pond will vote whether or not to stay in the European Union. Global markets, worried over what a Brexit scenario might looking, needed to pop a Xanax like yesterday. BlackRock's head of global bond strategies doesn't think markets are freaking out enough, "treating the possibility of Brexit as a local event rather than a globally systemic risk." The president of the European Union has said a vote to leave could herald the end of "western political civilization itself." Investment manager Lothar Mentel put the possibility of a crash following an exit vote at "likely." British banks have borrowed $3.47 billion in cash, just in case the outcome is GTFO. But how will things actually shake out come June 23? Polled today, a bunch pigs hailing from Southwest England and known for their predictive powers say this whole this is muchado about nothing.

The pigs of Pennywell Farm in Devon successfully predicted the outcome of Britain's national election last year and are again fighting it out on the track in some political racing that rival the "Remain" and "Leave" sides' own campaign battles...Racing for the "Remain" camp are 'David Hameron' and 'George Hogsborne', a play on the name of finance minister George Osborne. For the "Leave" camp the racers are 'Boar-is Johnson' and 'Iain Duncan Sniff', a reference to leading Eurosceptic and Conservative ex-cabinet minister Iain Duncan Smith...Once the starting gate was opened, spectators cheered as David Hameron, George Hogsborne and Iain Duncan Sniff rushed off, easily clearing the hurdles, while Boar-is Johnson trailed behind. The result in the end was decisive. "We've had three votes for staying in the EU and just one for leaving," the race compere announced. Pennywell Farm will conduct the races daily up until the vote.

We'll keep you posted on any important developments down at the track.

Farmer races pigs to predict EU referendum vote [Reuters]
Brexit’s First 100 Days Promise Chaos, Fear, Damage Limitation [Bloomberg]


Who Wants To Adopt Anna Gristina's Pigs?

Back in March, a woman named Anna Gristina was arrested for allegedly running a whorehouse out of an East 78th Street apartment, with plans to go global. In that time, we've learned a good bit about Gristina (who goes by Anna Scotland professionally), who currently remains incarcerated on Riker's Island. For instance, at the time of her arrest, she was meeting with a friend and broker who was supposedly helping her line up financing to expand the venture (which she maintains was an upscale dating site), she paid her hookers well, and she was an animal lover. Emphasis on the past tense because apparently anyone can be an animal lover until push comes to shove and mommy needs money for legal fees. Then it's good-bye lush accommodations upstate, hello slaughterhouse. An accused Upper East Side brothel boss is so hard up for cash that she’s had to evict most of the pigs she keeps in her upstate home to save money while she remains locked up in jail on $2 million bond. The family of accused madam Anna Gristina, who’s got a soft spot for porkers, has sent away all but two of the seven rescue pigs she keeps in order to save the hundreds of dollars per month she spends in upkeep for them at her Orange County farm, her husband said yesterday. “My son was really upset,” Gristina’s hubby Kelvin Gorr said of the decision to relocate those hogs to two other farms. “He was crying,” Gorr said of the boy, 9-year-old Nicholas. “Anna, too, was upset,” the real-estate agent Gorr said. “But there’s nothing we can do.” But Gorr assured, “They’re not going to be eaten.”blockquote> Oh really? That's interesting because most people wouldn't make a claim like "they're not going to be eaten" without explaining what WILL happen to them instead, unless you are prevaricating in flagrante. So. Apparently it falls to us. If anyone has an interest in taking in one of these pigs, speak up now. Lest the idea cross your mind that a certain hedge fund manager will be opening his doors, let me stop you right there-- there's no room at that inn.

Like this but worse. By Anonymous [Public domain or Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Banks Tell Britain To Prepare For Brexocalypse

...unless Theresa May changes her mind re: special favors for special banks.