Goldman Sachs Will No Longer Tolerate Filthy Talk On Company Emails

Lloyd and Gary are gonna wash some mouths out with soap!
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Here at Dealbreaker Dot Com, we deplore vulgarities. The use of profanity is both unseemly and a symptom of a weak intellect.

NoCursing.Goldman

Dropping f-bombs is a needlessly aggressive way to communicate, and talking about the "s" coming out of your "a"... well, we're disgusted at the thought. And we know that a lot of you potty-mouthed finance types love to use this kind of lingua franca in your correspondence, peppering your shop talk to sound like common sailors. But there is one firm, one bastion of morality, one shining bank on a hill, that will no longer tolerate any more 'effin and jeffin on company time.

Goldman Sachs, we...say...your...name.

Goldman Sachs' compliance department conducts surveillance of employees' email. It's an automated process: Software monitors the emails for certain phrases that are flagged for specific scrutiny. Human employees at Goldman then review the flagged emails and decide whether they represent a problem. 

Oh, pray tell what "represents a problem," CNBC...

CNBC has obtained a document detailing more than 180 phrases flagged for scrutiny by the monitoring system. The document was produced in 2008, and the firm has updated its search terminology since then. But the list gives a rare peek inside a large bank's real-time compliance surveillance operation, and reveals details of how that process works that even veteran Wall Street executives may not know. 

But like, what exactly?...

Examining the list, it seems clear that Goldman was looking for specific areas of concern: tense exchanges between bankers and their customers, disputes over commissions and money, or certain phrases involving obscenities. 

So, like, "Goshdarnit, that Etsy IPO turned out to stink real bad!"?

Among the phrases flagged are seemingly innocuous phrases of daily office life: "answer your phone," "don't worry I'll take care of it" and "I don't understand." Also to be scrutinized were "I've been trying to reach you," and even "still have not received." 

Hey, this is Goldman Sachs, civility rules. We get it. But these seem like innocuous things to get flagged for...

There are a number of phrases linked to stock trading on the list: "Time to dump," "break the trade" and "stock will fly/soar/dive/tank."

Closer...

And there are several phrases that might indicate a dispute with a customer, including "not made aware," "I trusted you" and "I told you days/weeks/months ago." And particularly, "paying fees through/thru the nose/a--/butt.

Closer (and anatomically evocative)...

Some of the phrases could be indicators of possible fraud, including "adjust your account," or "clowns managing/running the fund/show/portfolio/account/my money." 

Clowns are terrifying, so we get that. Anything else?...

And no list like this would be complete without the myriad inventive ways bankers find to use of the F-word, including: "don't you f—ing understand," "mad/angry/frustrated as hell/f---," "Screw/f--- it up," "way to f---ing much," "what I f---ing said," "where the f---/hell are you," "who the heck/f---/hell do you think you are," and "don't you f---ing understand."

Oh ours stars and garters! We're positively scandalized!

Thanks be to Lloyd and Gary for standing between their foul-mouthed visigoths and the virgin ears of prime brokers and traders everywhere. We stand with you.

Now, while we're on the topic, the CNBC list is pretty phenomenal and well worth a perusal, but here are some of our favorites the most offensive...

Clowns {managing|running} the fund|show|portfolio|account|{my money}

don't you f*cking understand

embezzled the account

extremely|really|quite|very unhappy|disappointed

how could this happen again[?]

How could you|GS|Goldman possibly[?] lose so|this|that much

I am not a happy camper

I lost {exorbitant|enormous amounts of}|{so|too much} money

screw*|f*ck* it up

supposed to be the top|best financial company

way too f*cking much

what happened to %ANY%[0\,5] money

What happened to my {money}|{account}|{trade}|{funds}?

what i f*cking said

{you're}|{you are} a piece of sh*t

"I {was|am} extremely[?]{pissed|angry|concerned|upset|agitated|bothered|distressed|
perturbed|worried|vexed|confused|flustered|discouraged|
rattled|daunted|demoralized|disheartened|
dismayed|distraught|unnerved}}."

These are so fucking great.

You won't believe what gets an email flagged at Goldman: CNBC has the list [CNBC]

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