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Bill Gross Told Investors A Story About His Sperm

What, like that's weird?
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Photo: Getty Images

Photo: Getty Images

In previous editions of his monthly Investment Outlook, Bill Gross has discussed: failed attempts to 'get a girl into the backseat of a car'; golden retrievers; a girl cat he named Bob; feeling fat; stiffing a waitress; the evils of the automatic flushing toilet; and the erotic pleasure of sneezing. But in all his letter-writing years, he's never discussed the birds and the bees generally or his sperm specifically. THAT ENDS TODAY.

Sex is a three-letter word that has rarely appeared in an Investment Outlook until now. I may be risqué and delve into the forbidden territory of politics and religion, but "SEX"? — Never. But here goes! Actually, my own personal history of sexual edification was probably like many of yours. My mother asked me at age 14 if I knew where little kittens came from and when I answered "the pet store", I never got an additional query or piece of information on the subject. I suspect she had written me off as hopeless long before. When it came time for me to be a father, I vowed never to repeat anything as stupid as that kitten trick to my kids, and I wound up not saying anything at all about sex to my older ones, Jeff & Jennifer, who are now in their 40s and safely beyond my parental foibles. The Nineties, however, ushered in a new sensitivity and a requirement to come clean with your child at an early age. And so, when Nick was born in 1988, Sue and I knew that we'd have to explain his "conception" at some point before we turned over the car keys and started four-digit checks for insurance. It's not like Nick was adopted or anything, but he was, in fact, one of California's first "test tube babies" which made him sort of unique and special — at least to us — and we felt he deserved knowing about it. Actually, it was a godsend as far as the sex education goes. At 8 or 9, when he asked about "babies", we both sat down and told him how he had been conceived: a doctor took some of Dad's sperm and a few of Mom's eggs, mixed em' up in a test tube and "voila" — you've got a baby. He seemed to buy the story pretty well and we got to avoid all of the gushy —male / female — stuff.

If anyone has an uncomfortable conversation of their own the horizon, whether with kids or co-workers fear not: just show them this Outlook and let Bill do the talking.

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