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Presidential Candidate Adds US Stock Market To His Long List Of Things That Suck

It's right there between "Crying Babies" and "Large Gloves."

Usually when a person runs to be president, they resist any urge to spray verbal shit all over the the stock market.


That tradition is borne out of the notion that it is more difficult to inherit an economy after criticizing one of the underpinnings of said economy. For instance, basic political science dictates that one would be loathe to tell Americans to pull their money from the stock market, even if one believed such a thing. And logic would dictate that if one did have a fair critique to make of valuing stocks, one would take care in voicing that philosophy so as not to oversimplify and cause unnecessary market volatility.

But this is 2016 and Donald Trump is running for president. So he's just gonna go ahead and fling his thought diarrhea at US stocks now...

Here is a transcript of Trump talking to Fox Business' Jim Stuart Varney:

VARNEY: Are you an investor in the stock market now?

TRUMP: I did, and I got out. I did invest and I got out, and it was actually very good timing. But I've never been a big investor in the stock market. 

Putting aside the probable lack of veracity in this answer, Trump is essentially telling voters "I took my money out of the market and so should you." That's not something you often hear from the nominee of the Republican party. And that's taking into account the last one...who worked in private equity.

But let's parse the truth of that answer. Trump likely has money in the market as he is a wealthy man based in New York and the last time he gave a vague impression of his assets, he owned stocks.

Then again he might not. He literally yelled at a literal baby during a rally on live television just a few hours after giving this interview, so it's hard to say with certainty that he follows the basic rules of finance when his relationship to ontological reality is up for debate.

But Trump didn't even stop there, he doubled down on his first rather vague anti-market answer with a clearer one aimed at Regular Joe investors.

VARNEY: For the small investor, the average guy, right now, would you say, yes, put your 401(k) money into stocks?

TRUMP: No, I don't like a lot of things that I see. I don't like a lot of the signs that I'm seeing. I don't like what's happening with immigration policies. I don't like the fact that we're moving tremendous numbers of people from Syria are coming into this country and we don't even know it. Thousands of people, thousands and thousands of people. There's so many things that I just don't like what I'm seeing. I don't like what I'm seeing at all.
Look, interest rates are artificially low. If interest rates ever seek a natural level, which obviously would be much higher than they are right now, you have some very scary scenarios out there. The only reason the stock market is where it is is because you get free money.

Yes, that might be your brain leaking out of your ear.

Syrian refugees should stop Americans from putting their retirement account in an index fund? And if Trump hates the "Free money" of low rates so much, why is he hellbent on replacing Janet Yellen with a more active Fed chair? And why does he have to repeat himself so much?

In the off -chance that you're still thinking Trump might not be totally off-base in telling Americans to follow his financial expertise and pull their money from the markets, ponder how he finished his thought,

TRUMP: I mean, me too. I'm offered loans -- I have very few loans now. I paid off large amounts of debt. But I'll tell you what -- I get offered loans from banks at almost nothing. You feel foolish not taking the money. 

Not as foolish as the banker offering Trump a low-interest loan would feel...if he existed.

If the last 30 years of American banking history provide any concrete lessons, one of them is surely "Don't Lend To Donald Trump," followed closely "If You Lend To Donald Trump, Kill Him On The Rate."

Donald Trump claiming that he gets offered low-rate loans all the time is like Donald Trump claiming that he has huge hands; All evidence is to the contrary.


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