Skip to main content

Deutsche Bank Considers Doing The Smallest Possible Thing To Turn It Around

What? You try running this place!
  • Author:
  • Updated:
By Nordenfan (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0], via Wikimedia Commons

via Wikimedia Commons

Deutsche Bank’s gotalotofproblems. Like, really: A. Lot. Of. Problems. And, unfortunately for the benighted John Cryan, none of them seem to have easy solutions. The politicians say it can’t stop being a bank. And it can’t stand the idea of getting into bed with those dirtbags across town at Commerzbank—such indignities are best saved for other banks. So it’s got some new ideas on how to solve the existential problem that is Deutsche Bank. First: Stop being so damned optimistic about things.

Deutsche Bank executives also are discussing whether to adjust Mr. Cryan’s October financial targets, such as profit goals, the people said.

Second, sell off a tiny piece of your only decent business and hope that buys you a few more weeks.

The bank in recent weeks has analyzed possibilities including selling all or part of its asset-management business, people close to the matter said. Deutsche Bank executives want to keep most of the business, the people say. They see the steady returns as ballast against volatile profits from the bigger trading and investment-banking businesses.

But small pieces of the asset-management division could be deemed ripe for sale, people briefed on internal discussions said.

Third, close your eyes real tight, think happy thoughts, hold your breath, click your heels together and cross all of your fingers. Maybe when you come to, it’ll all have proven a horrible nightmare and you are actually CEO of Wells Fargo.

Deutsche Bank Weighs Stronger Medicine [WSJ]
Deutsche Bank C.E.O. Calls for More European Bank Mergers [DealBook]
Deutsche Bank, Commerzbank held talks about tie-up [Reuters]


By Nordenfan (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0], via Wikimedia Commons

Deutsche Bank Still Doing Things Wrong Because It Takes Time To Stop Doing Things Wrong The Right Way

Going from "What's compliance?" to actual compliance could take at least a year.


Deutsche Bank Exec Appears To Be Totally Unaware That Deutsche Bank Is Headquartered In Germany

New rule: The only bank not allowed to bitch about moving to Frankfurt is the one already fucking based there.

(Getty Images)

Deutsche Bank CEO Search Exactly The Catastrophe You’d Expect

Better to let the new guy know what he’s in for, assuming there will actually be a new guy.


Deutsche Bank Wishes Dante Was Around To Witness Hellscape Of The Modern Regulatory Environment

It makes a lot of sense that DB has lately taken to reading medieval epic poetry about Hell.


Deutsche Bank To Germans: Is It Too Late Now To Say Sorry?

Cryan knows that he let you down. Is it too late to say entschuldigung now?


Deutsche Bank Survivors Now Devoting Their Lives To Saving The Next Generation From Deutsche Bank

Even John Cryan would be hard-pressed to disagree that working at Deutsche Bank is bad for you.


Deutsche Bank CFO Incredulous That People Actually Believe The Merger Rumors Swirling Around His Tire Fire Of A Bank

James von Moltke cannot believe that the press has the balls to say that anyone wants to merge with Deutsche Bank.