Marissa Mayer Forced To Admit That She Let Your Mom's Email Account Get Hacked

Just when you thought Marissa couldn't f@ck up any worse.
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Before she lets the door hit her where the good lord split her, Marissa Mayer is apparently about to suffer what any merciful soul would hope is her final indignity as CEO of Yahoo.

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Unfortunately for Evita Breadsticks, it's a real f'ing doozy.

Earlier this morning, Recode's relentless Kara Swisher reported that Yahoo would soon be forced to admit to a massive security breach. According to Swisher, the 'fessin up would be pretty rough on Marissa and what's left of her team because the scope of the hack was troublingly wide:

[The hack] which became known in August when an infamous cybercriminal named “Peace” claimed on a website that he was selling credentials of 200 million Yahoo users from 2012 on the dark web for just over $1,800. The data allegedly included user names, easily decrypted passwords and personal information like birth dates and other email addresses.

200 million users hacked? This is maybe worse than the time Marissa threw that Marie Antoinette party, or that time she read a children's book about nickels to furious employees, or that other time she decided to do massive layoffs every Wednesday. Damn...200 million?

Well, after likely having its hand forced by Swisher, Yahoo did release a statement on the massive hack:

A recent investigation by Yahoo! Inc. has confirmed that a copy of certain user account information was stolen from the company’s network in late 2014 by what it believes is a state-sponsored actor. The account information may have included names, email addresses, telephone numbers, dates of birth, hashed passwords (the vast majority with bcrypt) and, in some cases, encrypted or unencrypted security questions and answers.

This happened two years ago and you're just now telling people that the Russians a state-sponsored actor has some of their most personal info? Oof. That's not a good look Marissa, especially when you're talking about 200 million accounts...

Yahoo believes that information associated with at least 500 million user accounts was stolen and the investigation has found no evidence that the state-sponsored actor is currently in Yahoo’s network. Yahoo is working closely with law enforcement on this matter.

Oh good Jiminy fuck, you guys. Really?

500 MILLION?!

TWO YEARS AGO?!

But in perhaps the most Marissa Mayer-y twist of this whole fiasco, it also appears that Yahoo has been aware that its security scuked for quite some.

Again, per Swisher:

In addition, internal sources at Yahoo said the company had been subjected to a number of previous incidents that were not managed correctly by CEO Marissa Mayer. One executive close to the situation said that former security head Alex Stamos had tried aggressively to get management to act more strongly, but he had not been successful. 

Yeah, but maybe this Stamos is a clown and Marissa was right to ignore his advice...Oh, he's currently running the security operation at Facebook? Yikes.

Cybersecurity is hard but disclosing a half billion security breaches two years after they occurred when you are finalizing being acquired is on a Donald Trump Jr. level of stupid. In fact, we would not be surprised if Verizon is asking its lawyers about the legality of hooking Marissa up to a lie detector and yelling "What else haven't you told us?!"

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