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Elizabeth Warren Is Having Mixed Emotions About John Stumpf's "Retirement"

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

Today we woke up to the sad realization that we don't have John Stumpf to kick around anymore.


It's going to be hard on us to give up the habit of throwing shade at the "Minnesota nice" CEO who provided us with the most potent Walls Street schadenfodder that we've seen since 2008. We can't lie, his management of the Wells Fargo crisis has been so breathtakingly bad that we've come to not just feel compassion for Stumpf, we've come to kind of love him.

But there is one person who is feeling even more consternation about losing Ol' Stumpfy...

Elizabeth Warren is clearly already missing her favorite Wall Street whipping boy, and she went on something of a mini-tweetstorm to make it clear that she is not yet ready to give up on Stumpf and the tempestuous, passionate relationship they have forged...

Come back, Stumpf! She cries desparately at the horizon. Come back and let me yell at you some more!

See? She's not yet out of cloyingly oversimplistic analogies for bad behavior! Why you gotta do her like this and quit so soon?

There's no joy for Elizabeth Warren if there is no John Stumpf. There is no sun of her populist fury without his moon-faced inability to make Wells Fargo look anything but really, really guilty. Arise fair sun and let go the broken moon, for Stumpf is gone.

We too will miss watching Warren and Stumpf together, seeing the frisson of ragged desire that they create without even trying. But Warren should wipe those tears from her eye and be happy, for there is a new CEO at Wells Fargo, a man even more directly tied to all the dumb shit that's been going on there for years.

Smile, Elizabeth Warren, for Tim Sloan is the man of your dreams.


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