Housekeeping: IT'S NOT GOODBYE IT'S SEE YOU LATER

A few words on my last day at DB.
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It's 1:23PM on November 1, and I'm just sitting down to write this post. I should've had it done days ago but every time I thought about it, I got a lump in my throat. The clock is ticking, though, and I don't want to leave in the middle of the night without saying a proper goodbye. So here goes: this is my last post for Dealbreaker. On November 9, I'll start writing for The Hive at Vanity Fair. I'll still be covering Wall Street as only a semi (/very) off-kilter individual with a rich fantasy life about these Masters of the Universe can. Besides going to a new office and working with a new team, not THAT much is going to change. When Bill Ackman openly weeps at a shareholder meeting or a money manager tells people he keeps a list of every ass he's ever grabbed or Goldman Sachs pays first-year analysts high 6-figure bonuses and they threaten to quit, I'll obviously be writing about it on the internet. But doing this gig on a new site for the first time in over 10 years feels almost incomprehensible, like I'm losing a toe or something, and I wanted to say just a few words about the past 125(!) months.

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When I started at Dealbreaker as an intern in June 2006, I literally knew nothing about Wall Street nor did I have much (any) interest in the subject. But I was told that this would be an opportunity to write funny stuff and that sounded pretty good to me. Although the founder of the company, Elizabeth Spiers, and the founding editor, John Carney, were there to provide guidance, they pretty much let me write whatever I wanted. (Save for a piece about a Greenwich resident attempting to dethrone Steve Cohen by installing more toilets in his house, which Carney and I fought about over email for an entire evening, during which I actually typed, "The notion that our readers would not be able to tell that saying Steve Cohen would be playing a bunch of kids in an ice hockey game in which he would be riding a Zamboni machine with a 'pope-mobile like enclosure,' which would spit out pucks at random [is a joke]...is laughable." And then I stewed about it for hours because I was THAT upset about it.) I grew to love the characters who inhabit this insane world.

After his triumphant coverage of Lehman Brothers (and Dick Fuld) melting down, Carney left the site and, terrifyingly, I became the top editor at Dealbreaker. At this point, there was basically zero adult supervision. I wrote about Alan Greenspan telling Bernanke how to be a Fed Chair ("1. talk like you know your shit, even when you don’t 2. cut rates like a Thai hooker with the clap 3. when in doubt, print it out"); my favorite hedge fund wife; my favorite ex-hedge fund wife; hyenas and wildebeests; a love that dare not speak its name; Charlie "No Sleeves" Gasparino; Lenny Dykstra; Lazard interns turned adult entertainment stars; ReUnion bar's allegedlylax policy on fake IDs; love letters from Dan Loeb; people who've "never defecated or urinated in bed, on the floor, or on a wall"; hedge fund managers tearing each other's eyes out on CNBC; flying Porsches; executive grundles. It was really, really fun.

In May 2011, Matt Levine joined us from Goldman and classed up the place with his now-famous footnotes. In November 2012, we launched the Dealbreaker Dramatic Reading Night Series, wherein a real, legitimate actor brought our most dramatic stories to life in the basement of a TriBeCa bar. It's probably my favorite thing I've ever done professionally. (My only regret is that there wasn't video of Matt and me auditioning actors for the part and that you'll never get to see us giving notes on how to get into the role of Greg Smith at a ping-pong tournament.)

Thornton McEnery started here in April 2015 and upped our Photoshopgame10-fold. And now, I'm leaving DB in his (and Jon Shazar's and Owen Davis's) more than capable hands.

Thank you to Elizabeth Spiers for giving me my first job out of college, despite the fact that the only prerequisite I really satisfied was being literate.

Thank you to Carney for this and this and this. They are gifts to me and also the world.

Thank you to Matt for being the smartest person I've ever met or will meet in my life.

Thank you to T-Mac for being my wingman this last year and a half and for legally adopting my child.

Thank you to John Lerner and Carter Burden for not firing me.

Thanks also to Jon Shazar, David Minkin, Peter Hobbs, Joe Checkler, Calvin Checkler, Elie Mystal, Winnie Liu, Jacob Ware, Charlie Gasparino, and Cliff Asness.

And most importantly, thank you, the readers, commenters, and tipsters. You are the greatest group of people on the internet and I love you all. I refuse to say goodbye, so I'll just say see you next week.

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