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All Deutsche Bank Needed To Pull Out Of Its Death Spiral Was For America To Elect One Of Its Biggest Liabilities As President

John Cryan now worships at the altar of Trumpism.
(Getty Images)

Getty Images

Sure, watching Donald Trump accept the role of leader of the free world was something of a shock, but it was nothing compared to the flabbergasting realization that Deutsche Bank is going to survive the year 2016.

But you can't have one without the other.

Deutsche is not just surviving y'all, John Cryan might be popping champagne and smiling at Boxing Day brunch this year, because his little bank that could just hit the fucking Trump trifecta of how to survive a crisis:

  1. Get you a client who can do both: Like a client that gets into you for so much debt that he becomes borderline emblematic of a lot of the bad decisions you been making over the years. You know, like how he got you to back a lot of his projects for like hundreds of millions but is also - like - not yuge on paying what he owes ever right away. So that's embarrassing, until he literally gets ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, thus paving the way for the next step...
  2. Use an electoral miracle to get out of a massive DoJ fine: Deutsche has been living under the Sword of Damacles for agonizing months now with looming fines still to come after being told they were very naughty leading up to the mortgage crisis. Trump's election will give Deutsche the perfect plan to get the powers-that-be-now to come down a bit on their invoice before Deutsche can turn around on January 21st and say "Our old buddy The President says we only got to pay a dollar."
  3. Wait until Trump is in office and go after his kids for what he owes: See, The Donald doesn't negotiate, but he won't be around for awhile come late January and his kids will be forced to negotiate without dad. Trump will not be able to throw his weight around with Deutsche since he'll be dealing with blind trust rules, and it just does not look good for the sitting president's kids to welsh on the largest bank in the country that just happens to be America's most potent economic ally in what will be an increasingly fragile Europe.

So congrats to Deutsche. @107 looks good for you guys, even if everyone else is still making scheiße in their pants.



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