Are you a hedge funder with something to hide?
Have you been involved in some dark edge stuff that you fear the world knowing about?
When you hear the words "Mathew Martoma," are you filled with the nauseous dread of associative guilt?
Do you lie in bed at night covered in a thin sheen of sweat whilst pondering the possibility of a Virginia farmboy in a blue windbreaker demanding that you step away from your workstation?
Well, friend, we bring good news! Thanks to the good folks over at the law firm of Murphy & McGonigle, there is - quite fucking literally - an app for that.
An agent from the Federal Bureau of Investigation approaches a hedge fund trader as he leaves the office, wanting to ask a few questions. Nervous about saying no to an official, the trader dishes, and information he provides is later used against him.
Steven Feldman, a white collar attorney in New York, has seen too many clients caught off-guard in such situations. His solution? The Murphy & McGonigle Surprise Law Enforcement Response App.
"The agents are trained to get you to talk," Feldman said. "There's no warning of any kind, even though everything you say will be used against you."
The app features a "Surprise Interview" button, as well as guides for handling a search warrant - think a raid by the FBI -or grand jury subpoena.
So relax. If you download it now - and the layout of your office allows it - you have a plan for your next SEC or FBI raid. When you see those windbreakers coming, just calmly pick up your phone, open the Surprise Law Enforcement App and go over next steps while your secretary weeps and your colleagues cry out for mercy.
Best practices for responding to someone with a badge who unexpectedly knocks at the door include "do not panic," "be polite" and "be prepared to assert your rights."
There is also a proverbial panic button: cell phone numbers for Feldman and three of his colleagues at Murphy & McGonigle, white-collar defense attorneys happy to take on new clients.
So sleep tight, you rascals, everything is gonna be just fine.