Italian Referendum Causes John Cryan To Fire Off Another Panicky Memo

Johnny Cryin is BACK!
Author:
Updated:
Original:

Remember when the Brexit vote shocked us all (oh how innocent we once were) and almost every big bank CEO fired off a memo to calm his troops? And remember how John Cryan's message to Deutsche Bankers was less "Everything is fine" and more like "Smoke 'em if you got 'em!"?

Cryan.Dante

Well, yesterday Italy voted to leave the bureaucratic albatross that it calls a government in place and sent a signal that Rome might be the setting of the next European populist revolution further endangering the global economy. While the Italian referendum results are merely the first tactile indication that Italy is edging ever closer to the brink, the "No!" votes were clearly enough to send John Cryan back to his panic memo writing room.

In his December note to employees, Cryan started of sanguine (even putting a positive spin on Deutsche's 'interesting' decision to cut ties with 3,400 trading clients in an attempt to cauterize costs), but when his thoughts came to rest on Bella Italia, Cryan went full "Johnny Cryin." Right after imploring Deutsche Bankers to convey a unified front to the outside world, Cryan wrote this:

This is all the more important as the environment remains uncertain with a number of potentially frosty developments. The result of the constitutional referendum in Italy is a harbinger of renewed turbulence that could spill over from the political arena to the economy – with Europe particularly endangered. And we still need to conclude our negotiations with the US Department of Justice. Please understand that I can´t give you details on how this is progressing.

Shorter Cryan: "So now Italy is on fire too and that's fucking terrifying because I can't handle any more stress right now and also we're still getting sued by America but I'm hoping that goes well because Trump owes us so much money but we can't rely on that because he's a mercurial loon and nothing ever seems to go our way and now I'm breathing into a nylon bag because Merkel won't let me touch paper and dear god just do your jobs I hate this and whatever happened to my beautiful head of hair?... Happy Holidays!"

Related

CryanSorry

Deutsche Bank To Germans: Is It Too Late Now To Say Sorry?

Cryan knows that he let you down. Is it too late to say entschuldigung now?

PaulAchleitner

Drama-Thirsty Deutsche Bank Chairman Expresses Love For John Thain, And Quality Seamen

Paul Achleitner is really enjoying day one of life after Johnny Cryin, while Deutsche Bankers remain angst-ridden.

JohnCryan.Gimp

John Cryan Inspires Masochists Everywhere By Leaving Door Open To Staying At Deutsche Bank

Kink is really the only possible explanation for why Cryan would keep doing this to himself.

Cryan.Dante

We Can Add Negative Rates To The Endless List Of Things That Could Kill Deutsche Bank

Let's put it in there somewhere between Brexit and sunlight.