Unhappy in your current position and desperate to make a move? Completely content but looking for opportunities for professional growth? Today's your lucky day. Patriarch Partners founder and CEO Lynn Tilton, she of Christmas card, jello shots, whipped cream off her breasts, and "I won't come in your mouth" fame is looking for a personal assistant. Job Description: Want to learn the private equity business from one of the most successful female business owners in the country? If so, Patriarch Partners may be just the ticket. Yale and Columbia Business School Graduate, Lynn Tilton owns the largest woman-owned business in the country and is seeking an Executive Assistant to work by her side as she endeavors to save American jobs by rescuing and turning around iconic American companies. Her current portfolio consists of 75 companies representing more than $8 billion of revenues including MD Helicopters, Rand McNally, Dura Automotive, Spiegel Catalogs and Stila Cosmetics. Responsibilities will include, but are not limited to the following: • Manage Ms. Tilton’s business and personal life in the manner of a Congressional/Senatorial Chief of Staff • Liaise with the portfolio company executives • Manage Ms. Tilton’s travel and be available to travel at a moment’s notice • Provide briefs on all meetings and handle follow-up from high level meetings • Work closely with finance, credit, human resources and communications departments to make certain Ms. Tilton is knowledgeable at all times about the state of business at the holding company level • Meet and greet all clients, guests and visitors in a warm & friendly manner • Travel with Ms. Tilton and top executives making certain all meetings and activities run smoothly, efficiently and effectively • Have working knowledge of all companies in Patriarch’s portfolio • Be able to manage real estate properties owned by Ms. Tilton • Provide back-up support to the Executive Assistant when necessary; run personal errands, personal shopping, and coordinate/interact with household staff and vendors • Manage daily health and well being of Ms. Tilton • Maintain discretion with confidential information and documents at all times Qualifications: • Bachelors Degree from top 10 college • Have a hands on, no job too big, no job too small sensibility • Intelligent, warm and friendly personality with a positive attitude and etiquette • Excellent written, oral, and interpersonal skills • High energy personality and healthy lifestyle belief system • Extremely organized and proactive with impeccable attention to detail • Professional appearance, polished and thick skinned • Ability to stay calm under pressure • Ability to work in a fast-paced, dynamic and collaborative environment, flexible and adaptable to change • Strong work ethic, self-directed with ability to multi-task and communicate effectively with individuals at all levels of the organization • Forward thinking always anticipating the needs and desires of Ms. Tilton • A sense of humor • Consummate computer skills: Outlook, Word, Excel, etc. • A "do whatever it takes" mentality Related: This Is A Story About Lynn Tilton’s Employees Doing Jello Shots Off Her Rack Lynn Tilton Accused Of Physically, Verbally Assaulting Employees, ‘Barely Restraining’ Her Breasts Lynn Tilton: “There are three universal lies: Margins are weak, but we’ll make it up in volume; the check’s in the mail; and I won’t come in your mouth.”

Banning jello-shots from the conference room would certainly be an effective deterrent against fraud.

Bad Tilton! Bad!

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Gather 'round, Securities and Exchange Commission.

Bankruptcy edition.