Lynn Tilton sued by ex-employees; DoubleLine closing stock picking fund; Pressure mounts for Tesla short-sellers; Drive-Thru Sex Lands Couple Behind Bars; and more.

J.P. Morgan Cites 'Material Weakness' In Restated First-Quarter Results (WSJ) JPMorgan admitted to a "material weakness" in the bank's internal controls in filing restated first-quarter results, which included the loss resulting from ill-placed investment hedges. The company's restated first-quarter profit of $4.92 billion, down $459 million from the original report, matched what the company announced last month. n a filing Thursday with the Securities and Exchange Commission, J.P.Morgan said it "determined that a material weakness existed in the firm's internal control over financial reporting as of March 31, 2012." The bank reiterated that remedies had been taken but that "management's internal review" of the matter is continuing. Ex-UBS Traders Offered Deal By US In Interest Probe (WSJ) U.S. prosecutors have agreed to shield several former UBS employees from criminal charges in return for their cooperation with the escalating investigation of suspected interest-rate manipulation, according to a person close to the probe. The leniency deal was offered to former traders and other employees who had relatively junior-level jobs at the Swiss bank, the person said. In U.K., a Backlash Over Standard Chartered Probe (WSJ) U.K. officials moved Wednesday to defend Standard Chartered PLC, stoking the controversy over charges that it broke New York state banking rules in a decadelong campaign to hide its financial dealings with Iran. The company lashed out at the state's top banking regulator, saying a threat this week to strip the U.K.'s fifth-biggest bank of its New York state banking license was based on a "factually inaccurate" assessment. In an unusual public counterattack, some U.K. political figures accused the regulator of seeking to undermine London as a financial center, and Bank of England governor Mervyn King urged against a rush to judgment. StanChart Could Countersue US Regulator (FT) The bank’s legal advisers believe “there is a case” for claiming reputational damage, according to two people close to the situation, although Standard Charter is conscious of the delicacy of taking an aggressive stance towards its regulators. U.S. Jobless Claims Unexpectedly Fall As Labor Market Mends (Bloomberg) Jobless claims unexpectedly dropped by 6,000 to 361,000 in the week ended Aug. 4, Labor Department figures showed today in Washington. The median forecast of 43 economists surveyed by Bloomberg News called for an increase to 370,000. A spokesman for the agency said there was nothing unusual in the data. Goldman Sachs Leads Split With Obama (Bloomberg) Four years ago, employees of New York-based Goldman gave three-fourths of their campaign donations to Democratic candidates and committees, including presidential nominee Barack Obama. This time, they’re showering 70 percent of their contributions on Republicans. Black bear carefully raids Colorado candy shop; dirt left on counter but nothing broken (AP) A black bear went in and out of a Colorado candy store multiple times early one July morning, but he used the front door and didn’t break a thing. The bear did, however, steal some treats from the Estes Park store, including English toffee and some chocolate-chip cookies dipped in caramel and milk chocolate called “cookie bears.” Surveillance video at the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory showed the bear prying open the door and grabbing some candy near the registers. He took the treats outside and ate them, then returned for more. The bear made seven trips in about 15 minutes, finally leaving after a passing car apparently scared him away. Store owner Jo Adams said Wednesday the bear managed to pop open the door because the deadbolt wasn’t completely secured. She said the only evidence her mindful visitor left behind was some dirt on a counter and some paper on the ground. There weren’t even any wrappers, so she assumes he ate those too. “He was very clean and very careful. He ate a lot of candy,” said Adams of the bear break-in, first reported by the Estes Park News. Knight Held $7 Billion Of Stocks Due To Glitch (WSJ) Knight Capital was holding about $7 billion of stocks at one point on Wednesday last week—a far bigger figure than previously known—as a result of errant trades that forced it to seek emergency funding, according to people familiar with the matter. Knight's traders worked frantically Aug. 1 to sell shares while trying to minimize losses due to a software problem, ultimately paring the total position to about $4.6 billion by the end of the trading day, the people said. The position led to a $440 million loss that forced Knight to seek a rescue, agreeing on a $400 million funding package this past weekend from a group of investors. The higher exposure shows that Knight's problems could have been worse. Still, the $4.6 billion position would have prevented Knight from opening for business the next day. The brokerage firm would have lacked the capital required by regulators to offset risks from holding the stocks, said the people. Monti Takes Off Gloves In Euro Zone Fight (Reuters) No more Mr. Nice Italian Prime Minister. Competitive eater ‘Furious Pete’ chows down on 2012 Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps’ daily diet - in 30 minutes (NYDN) Michael Phelps consumes over 12,000 calories a day. Can you imagine if he did it in 30 minutes? Competitive eater "Furious Pete" set out to do just that in a video making the rounds on the Internet that is as jaw-dropping as it is nausea-inducing. Pete Czerwinski chows down on an impressive array of dishes: three fried-egg sandwiches, three chocolate chip pancakes, a five-egg omelet, three sugar-coated slices of French toast, a bowl of grits, pasta with sauce, two ham and cheese sandwiches on white bread (with mayo), a pepperoni pizza, and cans upon cans of energy drinks. The massive meal - which closely matches the Olympic gold medalist's alleged daily diet - comes to a whopping total of 12,300 calories. Many YouTube users, however, say they're not completely convinced by Furious Pete's video, which was cut down from 30 minutes to four minutes, "so that you wouldn't get bored," Czerwinski explained. "Look at the clothes in the corner, they are moved during the video, so it wasn't done in one take. sloppy editing ;)" user Kristaps Straumens wrote. Others defended the Canadian consumer, who's achieved viral fame over the past several years for videos such as "Most Ferrero Rocher Chocolates Eaten in One Minute" and "Eating the World's Hottest Pepper." "The guy has eaten an 8 pound burger. You think? he would fake this?" user xJDKx wrote. Czerwinski's career as a competitive eater began in an unlikely way. He was admitted to hospital at age 16 for complications stemming from anorexia. Over the next five years, he slowly recovered, building up his weight and getting fit through body building. It wasn't until 2007, when Czerwinski sat down with several of his pals at a restaurant and realized that he could out eat them all in record time, that the idea of “Furious Pete” started to take form.

WaMu execs still want their golden parachutes; Greece could use a hand; Winkelvii twins say this is Bitcoin's year; "Florida Man Slashes Tires After Woman Takes His Bingo Seat"; and more.

Bernanke Affirms Bond Buying (WSJ) In his semiannual report to Congress Tuesday, Mr. Bernanke said the bond buying is helping the economy by holding down long-term interest rates and ought to be sustained. "Keeping long-term interest rates low has helped spark a recovery in the housing market and has led to increased sales and production of automobiles and other durable goods," he said. The Fed has accumulated $2.8 trillion of Treasury and mortgage securities. Mr. Bernanke's remarks signaled little change in the central bank's plans to purchase $85 billion a month of long-term Treasury and mortgage debt. The Fed's next policy meeting is March 19-20. Regulators Hope For Libor Pacts (WSJ) Regulators investigating alleged interest-rate manipulation are hoping to reach settlements with at least three major financial institutions by the end of summer, according to a person familiar with the probes. It isn't clear if the companies will go along with any proposed settlements, and previous agreements with banks were delayed before being completed. So far, regulators have settled rate-rigging charges with Barclays, RBS, and UBS collecting about $2.5 billion in penalties. All three banks admitted that employees sought to rig rates. Barclays to Unveil Numbers Earning 1 Million (FT) Barclays is set to reveal the number of staff who earned above 1 million pounds ($1.5 million) last year, in a push for transparency that could turn the bank into a trailblazer for the sector. In its annual report next week, the British retail and investment bank will for the first time give an outline of the various pay brackets among its 140,000 staff, people close to the situation said. Analysts estimate that between 600 and 700 employees – mostly in the investment bank – will be revealed as having taken home more than 1 million pounds last year. JPMorgan To Cut 17,000 Jobs (WSJ) The move announced Tuesday by the New York company, the nation's most profitable bank in 2012 and the biggest U.S. lender by assets, will reduce its staff by 6.5% in one of the most aggressive reductions to date amid widespread financial-industry cutbacks. Bond brawl: Singer v. Argentina today (NYP) Lawyers Ted Olsen and David Boies will appear before a Manhattan US appeals court to argue over how $1.44 billion in Argentina debt should be paid. Olsen represents billionaire hedge fund magnate Paul Singer, who claims he and other bondholder holdouts should be paid alongside those holders who agreed to a steep haircut during a debt restructuring. Argentina President Cristina Kirchner has long insisted she will never pay “one dollar” to the Singer holdouts. Boies represents the bondholders who agreed to the restructuring — and they oppose Singer, believing that Argentina will never go along with a pro-holdout ruling, thus putting their bonds at risk of default. Cops: Florida Man, 36, Assaulted Teen Relative With Taco Bell Burrito (TSG) The victim told cops that he was having a “verbal altercation” with his mother and Brown, his brother-in-law, when Brown “asked his mother to bring him the burrito,” according to an arrest affidavit. Brown then allegedly threw the burrito “with force” at the victim, striking the boy in the face with the fast food item. While interviewing the teen, cops noted that he had “burrito cheese, sauce and meat all over his clothing and face.” Brown told police that the victim was disrespectful to his mother and had cursed at the woman. He also acknowledged that he had “delivered” the burrito. After being booked into the county jail, Brown warned that he would “take care” of the teen upon his release from custody, adding that the victim “was going to get knocked out.” Best Buy Takeover Attempt by Founder in Jeopardy (Reuters) Best Buy founder Richard Schulze's effort to take the company private is in trouble after attempts to secure financing faltered while an alternative strategy to line up minority investors may not pan out either, five sources familiar with the matter said. No longer pursuing a full takeover bid for the troubled electronics retailer, Schulze has focused discussions in recent weeks on a potential deal in which private equity firms would buy a non-controlling stake, the sources, who declined to be named because the discussions are private, said. 'Penta-Millionaires' Happier Than Merely Rich: Study (CNBC) Breaking: A survey from Spectrem Group found that individuals worth $5 million or more are far more satisfied with their jobs, relationships and work than those worth $100,000 or less. Dimon Says Banks Have More Capital Than They Can Use (Bloomberg) The biggest U.S. banks are lending the smallest portion of their deposits in five years as cash floods in from savers, a slow economy damps demand from borrowers and regulators push financial firms to bolster themselves against any future credit crisis. The average loan-to-deposit ratio for the top eight commercial banks fell to 84 percent in the fourth quarter from 87 percent a year earlier and 101 percent in 2007, according to data compiled by Credit Suisse Group AG. JPMorgan had the lowest ratio in the group at 61 percent. “I don’t want to say it’s anti-American” to be held to international standards, Dimon said, adding that the bank’s assets include highly rated securities. “That balance sheet is almost as liquid as you can get.” Budweiser Has Been Sued 3 Times for Watering Down All Those Watery Beers (Atlantic Wire) The plaintiffs — including one guy who bought a case of Michelob Ultra a month, for some reason — allege that the public doesn't know what all the beers under the Budweiser umbrella really taste like, and that they're not getting their money's worth. There is no science backing up the defendants' claims, and AB InBev has yet to respond in court. The krux of the evidence comes from "information from former workers" of Anheuser-Busch breweries who claim watering down the beer in post-production is a company policy.