The "Diva of Distressed" has conquered business, television, boudoir shoots and home decor, so like Alexander the Great before her, Lynn Tilton surveyed the earth and wept for there were no more areas of getting attention to conquer.
Or so she thought...
Somewhere out there is a hero who either intentionally or accidentally introduced Lynn Tilton to the world of podcasting. If discovered, this person should be inducted into some sort of Hall of Fame because we have just listened to the first episode of "The Lynn Tilton Podcast" and we can safely say that it is an inflection point in the artistic history of recorded sound.
The first episode of what we're promised will be "A number of different series of podcast" is titled (we shit you not) "7 Years a Target." Clearly Lynn is hoping fans of the 2013 film "12 Years a Slave" are looking for an autobiographical podcast about an embattled investor-cum-fund manager with a persecution complex so overwhelming that it weighs down her ability to speak at a normal pace.
When we first hear the somnambulatory sultry sound of Lynn's voice, it's hard to define the pacing at which she has chosen to speak. The best we can do is say that it's somewhere between a scotch and a Zoloft and two scotches and a Zoloft. It's like she's trying to forge her own new medium of an ASMR recording for people aroused by an overweening financial regulatory structure.
It is with this slow, slow speech pattern that Lynn delivers her first visceral line...
"In December of 2009, like a gladiator, I got attacked from both sides."
While this line proffers the possibility of her podcast being an audio version of "50 Shades of Lynn," we learn immediately that she is referring to a lawsuit from MBIA Insurance and the first of what turned out to be many, many regulatory inquiries.
But after laying out the facts of her persecution, Lynn begins to do what she does best; speak banal nonsense platitudes.
Here are some of her best:
"In the end, jobs is the great meritocracy."
"Some see me as weak and not surrounded by the fortification. But in the end what are those bricks, those walls that hold steady? It’s truth, it’s light, it’s credibility."
"Most don't lose because they're in a position to lose, but because they give up. And the powerful and the ugly win because they know how to create campaigns of lies and destruction, and most decide that it's not worth it."
"Light ignites itself, and the darkness fades."
We're almost certain that she stole the last one from Metallica, but you get the idea.
The other highlights are Lynn pronouncing "solace" as "soulless" and painting the SEC as a fame whore looking to piggyback on her success. But like Marc Maron getting a standup to admit their childhood was an emotional wasteland or Joe Rogan talking up the health benefits of weightlifting stoned, Lynn is at her bet when she is giving voice to a Successories non-sequitur like she's reading from the Book of Genesis.
As Lynn would put it "Love is the great takedown story," and if that's true, we already love "The Lynn Tilton Podcast" more than we can say. In fact we'd like to offer Lynn an official invitation to publish her pod with us here at dealbreaker dot com. We are not worthy, but we are huge fans.
And if you think we're getting carried away, listen for yourself and try not to agreee: