Deutsche Bank: If People Will Buy Shares In A Dick Pic Startup That Loses Millions A Year, They'll Probably Buy Shares In Us

John Cryan watches the Snap IPO and realizes that his head is not just a hat rack.

Things have not been going "great" for ol' Johnny Cryan.


In fact, if it wasn't for Uber CEO Travis Kalanick, Marissa Mayer and The Bible's Job, Cryan would feel very alone in the world. Days of joy are rare for Cryan, and rarer still are days of hope. So imagine - if you will - what might have transpired in his mind and heart yesterday and today as he watched Snap begin trading as a public company.

There before his eyes was an untested tech startup with a boy at the helm and hemorrhaging money as it IPO'ed. Snap has no clear revenue model, no real corporate structure that anyone understands, perhaps no understanding of how public companies even operate, and a five-year plan to prove that its stock is worth the paper its (technically) printed on.

And yet, Cryan couldn't help but notice, everyone was buying that scheiße.

It was...glorious. And it filled John Cryan with a feeling that he had not felt in some time; excitement. In fact, it turns out that Snap's illogically popular IPO gave John Cryan an idea...

Deutsche Bank confirms that it is conducting preparatory steps for a potential capital raise of approximately EUR 8 billion and several potential strategic measures. These include retaining Postbank and integrating it with the Bank’s existing German retail and commercial business and a sale of a minority stake in Deutsche Asset Management via an initial public offering. Implementation is subject to market conditions and approval by the Management Board and the Supervisory Board. At this stage, no decision to proceed has been made.

It's brilliant in its simplicity. If people will buy shares in a startup with an iffy reputation that loses hundreds of millions of dollars a year, they will surely buy shares in a famously loser-ish bank that loses slightly less...

You might just make it after all, Johnny C.