John Cryan Inspires Masochists Everywhere By Leaving Door Open To Staying At Deutsche Bank

Kink is really the only possible explanation for why Cryan would keep doing this to himself.

It is a basic human emotional response to extend pity or even aid when we see another person in pain. And when that person is hurting themselves, it only makes us see the situation in a more starkly tragic light. It's all just part of being a person.


So, imagine how we felt when we read this today:

Deutsche Bank Chief Executive John Cryan is open to having his contract extended if the bank manages to post attractive returns by 2020, Germany's daily Handelsblatt reported.
"It is possible," Cryan told Handelsblatt in response to a question on whether he would seek an extension of his contract which expires in 2020.


Watching Cryan ponder staying on at Deutsche Bank provokes a similar sensation to watching someone wonder aloud if they can push the burning end of a lit cigarette even deeper into their own eyeball. It's like watching the producers of "La La Land" offer to host a 2018 Oscars luncheon, or Tony Romo telling Dallas he'll play football for free. It's like watching Melania Trump stay in her marriage.

What could possibly make John Cryan want to keep living this nightmare? What conceivable reality would make it sufferable? What is he even saying?

"If we succeed in achieving attractive returns and create a very successful bank, then why not?" he was quoted as saying.

Oh, John, you clever man, we see what you're doing.

It's kind of like us saying if people ever prefer Thornton to Bess, we'll IPO Dealbreaker at a $2 billion valuation and move to The Caymans.

Deutsche Bank CEO open to extending his contract: Handelsblatt [Reuters]