Skip to main content

Newly-Single Parent Lloyd Blankfein Decides That He's Done Paying Everyone's Phone Bill

By treating his people like unemployed spoiled Millennials and giving them tough love, Daddy Lloyd is gonna save a bundle.

Being in charge is never easy, it's even harder if you're doing it all alone. Lloyd Blankfein knows what we're talking about.


For years, Lloyd had Gary Cohn as the bad cop to his good cop, the Bullwinkle to his Rocky, the Ward to his June. But now, Gary has left to ensure the creation and passage of sweeping corporate tax reform advise the new President and Lloyd is all on his own, a single dad with about 35,000 kids who need to be kept in line.

So Lloyd is doing what most people in his position would do; making a show of strength to prove a point...

In a push to cut costs and shift employees from BlackBerry devices to personal mobile phones, [Goldman Sachs] is imposing a new policy around the world for reimbursing data and calling expenses, according to an internal memo seen by Bloomberg.
Goldman Sachs will now chip in $10 for data charges on U.S. phone bills, 10 pounds in the U.K., 10 euros in Germany and HK$100 in Hong Kong, according to the memo. It also spells out conditions for reimbursing costs for phone calls. The changes began March 1 and take full effect in the coming months.

Obviously, this is not going over too great with spoiled Goldman Sachs bankers who have grown used to have their work cals covered by work, but that's too bad says Daddy Lloyd. After all, he's not made of money! Who does he look like? Lloyd Blankfein?

But it also seems like Lloyd might have had some help from a new parental figure in arriving at the number 10...

The firm chose the $10 figure because that’s typically what it costs for a gigabyte of data, and an application used by employees for work emails doesn’t usually consume more than that, said the person.

Factoring out the relative cost of a single gig has all the hallmarks of a Marty Chavez move. The former CIO and newly-installed COO is very good at these kinds of details and while he is reportedly very well-liked by the Goldman rank and file, this is not the kind of policy that is going to endear him further. In fact, we can hear a lot of people inside 200 West Street right now screaming unison "This sucks! You're not my real dad, Marty!"

Also, Lloyd has saved like $900 million on these types of cuts recently, so that might factor into this as well.

Goldman Irks Bankers With New Rules on Mobile Perks [Bloomberg]



Lloyd Blankfein On President Trump: "Okay, Sure, Whatevs"

Goldman's CEO now treating The Donald with an optimistic ambivalence.


With Trump White House In Disarray, Lloyd Blankfein Looks To Refocus Gary Cohn

Once Lloyd figures out how to DM Gary, we can kiss his twitter account goodbye.


Lloyd Blankfein Decides It Takes Two Men To Replace One Gary Cohn

The President job at Goldman Sachs is now the hottest Thunderdome on Wall Street.


Lloyd Blankfein Knew Trump And Gary Were Going to F@ck This Up Eventually

"I haven't felt this good since 2006," joketh Emperor Blankfein.

Screen Shot 2017-09-28 at 1.02.35 PM

Peter Navarro Just Got "Blankfeined" By John Kelly

Trump's Chief of Staff is using Brutal Master Gary Cohn to marginalize Trump's looniest economic advisor.


Blankfein On Cohn: Gary's No Brainiac, But He Could Probably Run The Fed

This is the kind of shit that Taylor Swift writes songs about.