Blue Apron IPO Is A Clusterfuck Recipe-in-a-Box.

The cash-hemorrhaging DIY dinner startup is hoping that people will hold its stock longer than they use its product.
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If you're bummed that you missed out on the last few IPOs of unprofitable tech startups that used Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley to underwrite their entrances into the public market before sinking like a lead balloon, then have we got good news for you!

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Blue Apron Holdings Inc, the biggest U.S. meal kit company, has filed for an initial public offering, amid increasing competition as more companies seek to deliver fresh ingredients and recipes to subscribers.

Congrats, dipshits, Etsy and Snap had a baby and it wants to you to pay to cook your own dinner. And in case you weren't excited enough, business isn't even booming!

Blue Apron, named after the uniform that apprentice chefs wear in France, delivers prepackaged ingredients and recipes to subscribers' doorsteps for them to prepare at home, a business model attempting to disrupt traditional grocery shopping.
The company, founded in 2012, is not profitable. It lost $54.9 million last year but revenue more than doubled to $795.4 million, Blue Apron said in a filing with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission.
Blue Apron posted a net loss of $52.2 million for the first quarter of 2017 on revenue of $244.8 million.

So get psyched masochists, Blue Apron wants you to buy some stock but they want you to hold it way longer than people hold Blue Apron subscriptions:

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And that might be hard considering Blue Apron can't give away stock for free at first or market to investors on The Howard Stern Show and/or every podcast in the world.

But then again Blue Apron doesn't need to see its stock perform too well out of the gate. See, Blue Apron is going public because it needs cash and the food delivery startup market is more crowded than a Deutsche Bank HR office on voluntary buyout day. With private money being harder and harder to come by (something a very intelligent reporter predicted would happen in this industry many moons ago), Blue Apron is hoping to raise its next round of funding from the same dupes who were dumb enough to buy ETSY and SNAP.

Speaking of Etsy, Blue Apron has the same genome of "Startup surviving at Amazon's whim." Should Jeff Bezos ever get truly serious about the "Recipe-in-a-box" business, he can apportion food from his ever-growing grocery concern, offer it as a Prime membership perk and burn Blue Apron to the ground in less than a fiscal quarter. Plus, Amazon can reach clientele outside the yuppified major cities that Blue Apron is forced to operate in based on its end-to-end business model.

And like Snap, "APRN" stockholders will have the same voting rights as the people who gave their money to Evan Spiegel before he set it on fire: ie None.

Going public does not mean that Blue Apron’s management is intent on giving up control of the company. The start-up will have three classes of stock: Class A shares that will be sold to the public and will carry one vote per share; Class B shares, which the founders and early investors own, which carry 10 votes per share; and Class C shares, which come with no voting rights and will be used for purposes like acquisitions.
As of now, the company’s biggest shareholders are Matthew B. Salzberg and Ilia M. Papas, the founders, who together own just under 40 percent of the class B shares, and the venture capital firms Bessemer Venture Partners and First Round Capital.

Blue Apron's IPO is essentially the dogshit Frankenstein of the new IPO market; an untested company that doesn't turn a profit, wants to keep operating like a private company, sees a ticker symbol as a Z-Round of funding, and will tank into penny stock territory after being restructured within a few quarters of public disclosures.

And like most of these companies, Blue Apron could have continued along quite happily as a niche food delivery startup if it hadn't gotten slapped with a ludicrous valuation years ago.

Who's hungry?

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