Would there be honestly anything more perfect than account statements at Deutsche Bank being the smoking gun that brings down this venal commedia dell'arte presidency?
Yeah, no need to answer that, because some shockingly ingenious members of the US House of Representatives have already connected some pretty unconnectable dots and decided that Trump's ties to Russia lie somewhere between the metric shit-ton of loans he made from Deutsche Bank and the mirror trades that naughty Deutsche Bankers did in order to clean some money for big Russian clients. They have even gone so far as to ask politely that Deutsche Bank turn over any info it has on Trump debt popping up in those mirror trades.
And although John Cryan would like nothing more than to have "Deutsche Bank" start getting bandied about in liberal salons alongside names like Flynn, Kushner, Kislyak, Sessions, Comey and Putin, he just can't find a way to make that happen at the moment. In a response letter to the American lawmakers, Deutsche Bank says that although it wants to help out here, there is a small issue of American laws.
Dear Representatives Waters, Kildee, Moore, Green and Perlmutter:
We write in further response to your letter dated May 23, 2017 to our client, Deutsche Bank AG (the “Bank”), regarding its reported banking relationship with the President of the United States and his family, as well as publicly reported allegations concerning certain equity trading in the Bank’s London and Moscow offices. Your letter requests certain non-public information from the Bank with respect to these matters.
Federal law requires that financial institutions such as Deutsche Bank maintain the privacy of their customers and the confidentiality of information relating to those customers. This is true even if the individual is a government official or well-known person, and even in circumstances where the individual has made some disclosure regarding their relationship with their banking institution, such as by recording a mortgage, filing a personal financial disclosure form or making public comments. Such actions do not relieve the financial institution of its obligations to maintain the confidentiality of any non-public information.
So, while we seek to cooperate, we must obey the law.
Sure, these congresspeople are well within their rights to write back "Why start now?" but they have made their point by casting enough doubt to fuel speculation about this borderline loony theory. And because even addressing this is bad for Deutsche Bank, Deutsche Bank is addressing it.
For our part, the laws of finance and logic dictate a probability somewhere beyond zero that the Russian government is exerting dark invisible control over Donald Trump by secretly holding debt he never intended to pay back in the first place...buuuuut also, this is Deutsche Bank and Donald Trump so we're also kind of certain that this is exactly what's happening.
What a time to be alive.