Horny Whole Foods CEO Finding It Hard To Stop At Heavy Petting While He Waits For Amazon To Put A Ring On It

All this mega-deal has to worry about is John Mackey's obvious priapism.
Author:
Updated:
Original:

Maybe we're just new to the industry but according to insiders, mega-grocery mergers sound like where financial M&A meet erotic sexual denial role-playing.

BezosMackey.Flirting

Whole Foods CEO John Mackey apparently knows what we're talking about.

Whole Foods CEO John Mackey told a room full of excited employees at a town hall meeting about his first 2½ hour meeting with Amazon — what he calls a "blind date" — and called the grocer's deal with the e-commerce giant a "historical moment."
"Mutual friends set us up on a blind date," he said about flying out to Seattle a little over a month ago. "It was truly love at first sight."

Hey we get it, if the richest person in town seduced us out of life as a middling food retail stock fending off activist investors with flaming pitchforks at our gate, we'd be pretty horned-up too. But Mackey is not a guy to engage casually with metaphor...

"It's been a whirlwind courtship," Mackey went on. "Because — [in a] little over six weeks after we met on this blind date, we're... officially engaged."

Damn, Whole Foods, don't unbutton your sweater yet! What if Amazon is just a nasty-ass player?

Mackey told employees that his company and Amazon are "engaged," like a couple, but still waiting until their transaction gets regulatory approval. The $13.7 billion deal is expected to be completed in the second half of 2017.
"Like an old traditional marriage, where there are all kinds of rules and chaperones, we can't consummate the marriage until we're officially hooked up," he said. "This is not a Tinder relationship."

So basically the most intriguing eCommerce/retail merger in history is going along swimmingly, it just has to survive the embarrassing distraction of John Mackey's literal priapism.

Whole Foods CEO John Mackey on Amazon deal: 'This is not a Tinder relationship' [CNBC]

Related

Bezos.Inferno

Jeff Bezos Captures Entire Rich Yuppie Food Supply Chain For Low Low Price Of $13.7 Billion

It's weird to think that Amazon and Whole Foods weren't always together.

John Mackey and Barry Rosenstein

The Greedy Bastards Won

In its fight with John Mackey and Whole Foods, Jana Partners scores a decisive knockout.

Bezos.Inferno

We Know Nothing About Amazon, But It Knows Everything About Us

Jeff Bezos just became the richest man in the world on your can't miss Amazon short trade.

Stumpf.Bezos.Student Loans

Wells Fargo And Amazon Partner To Offer Low-Rate Student Loans AND Two-Day Shipping

Amazon is now your one-stop shop for paper towels, streaming movies, and college-related debt servicing.

BezosMackey.Flirting

Jana Partners Shows The World What It Feels Like To Get "Amazon'ed" The Good Way

These kinds of profits can buy you like two weeks of groceries at Whole Foods, ie a large fortune.