When Yahoo employees went to work on the Monday morning of July 16, 2012, hope was in the air. A new leader had come to save them all, a 37-year-old pretty blonde Google vet named Marissa Mayer. A revolutionary pick who would upend the Silicon Valley patriarchy while healing all of Yahoo's ills in her spare time.
The future was so bright, Yahoo's exclamation point had to wear shades.
Almost five years later, Yahoo is a burned-out ruin. Those that have survived scrounge for food, fight day and night to maintain their sanity and warm themselves by the glow of random fires that spring up seemingly everywhere. In the tower sits Marissa, staring at her secret Tumblr diary and wondering where it all went so wrong [Spoiler Alert: It was literally Tumblr].
But the survivors of the Mayer Regime are survivors indeed, for a new ruler has now officially come to restore order to what is left of Yahoo's purple kingdom...
Verizon Communications Inc. (NYSE, Nasdaq: VZ) today completed its acquisition of the operating business of Yahoo! Inc. (Nasdaq: YHOO).
Verizon has combined these assets with its existing AOL business to create a new subsidiary, Oath, a diverse house of more than 50 media and technology brands that engages more than a billion people around the world.
On the back of a Humvee rides the new leader, yelling "Come out! You are safe! Oath is here!" into a megaphone, his slicked-back hair glinting in the sunshine, his white smile masking the bloodlust for random firings that lurks deep in his soul...
Tim Armstrong, former CEO of AOL, is now CEO of Oath, which is part of Verizon’s Media and Telematics organization. He has been leading integration planning teams since the Yahoo transaction was announced in July 2016, and Oath begins operation today as a global leader in digital and mobile.
Armstrong has come to finally conquer his old nemesis, and Marissa - who has nothing left to acquire and no one left to fire - has flown the white flag of surrender. Her time in the tower has come to its end...
Given the inherent changes to Marissa Mayer’s role with Yahoo resulting from the closing of the transaction, Mayer has chosen to resign from Yahoo. Verizon wishes Mayer well in her future endeavors.
Standing in the wasteland that she has created, her flaxen hair glinting in the sun, holding only an iPad, a stack of WARN violations and that super-long Nicholas Carlson book, Marissa prepares for a future as a Silicon Valley drifter, a well-known gun for hire, a free agent of destruction, a West Coast Dick Fuld. We can see her setting her jaw and setting off towards what comes next, but as we watch her disappear into the horizon, we can't help but choke up and look back on our time together...
Light the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were
Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we? Could we?
">Yahoo To Contemplate The $55M Value Proposition Of Firing Marissa Mayer
Mem'ries, may be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
So it's the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember...
The way we were...
The way we were...
Fare thee well, Evita Breadsticks...fare thee well.