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Marissa Mayer's Yahoo Watch Has Finally Ended...And It Was Terrible

Oh, Evita Breadsticks, we'll will miss you most of all...

When Yahoo employees went to work on the Monday morning of July 16, 2012, hope was in the air. A new leader had come to save them all, a 37-year-old pretty blonde Google vet named Marissa Mayer. A revolutionary pick who would upend the Silicon Valley patriarchy while healing all of Yahoo's ills in her spare time.


The future was so bright, Yahoo's exclamation point had to wear shades.

Almost five years later, Yahoo is a burned-out ruin. Those that have survived scrounge for food, fight day and night to maintain their sanity and warm themselves by the glow of random fires that spring up seemingly everywhere. In the tower sits Marissa, staring at her secret Tumblr diary and wondering where it all went so wrong [Spoiler Alert: It was literally Tumblr].

But the survivors of the Mayer Regime are survivors indeed, for a new ruler has now officially come to restore order to what is left of Yahoo's purple kingdom...

Verizon Communications Inc. (NYSE, Nasdaq: VZ) today completed its acquisition of the operating business of Yahoo! Inc. (Nasdaq: YHOO).
Verizon has combined these assets with its existing AOL business to create a new subsidiary, Oath, a diverse house of more than 50 media and technology brands that engages more than a billion people around the world.

On the back of a Humvee rides the new leader, yelling "Come out! You are safe! Oath is here!" into a megaphone, his slicked-back hair glinting in the sunshine, his white smile masking the bloodlust for random firings that lurks deep in his soul...

Tim Armstrong, former CEO of AOL, is now CEO of Oath, which is part of Verizon’s Media and Telematics organization. He has been leading integration planning teams since the Yahoo transaction was announced in July 2016, and Oath begins operation today as a global leader in digital and mobile.

Armstrong has come to finally conquer his old nemesis, and Marissa - who has nothing left to acquire and no one left to fire - has flown the white flag of surrender. Her time in the tower has come to its end...

Given the inherent changes to Marissa Mayer’s role with Yahoo resulting from the closing of the transaction, Mayer has chosen to resign from Yahoo. Verizon wishes Mayer well in her future endeavors.

Standing in the wasteland that she has created, her flaxen hair glinting in the sun, holding only an iPad, a stack of WARN violations and that super-long Nicholas Carlson book, Marissa prepares for a future as a Silicon Valley drifter, a well-known gun for hire, a free agent of destruction, a West Coast Dick Fuld. We can see her setting her jaw and setting off towards what comes next, but as we watch her disappear into the horizon, we can't help but choke up and look back on our time together...

Light the corners of my mind

Yahoo Names Marissa Mayer, Who We Hope For Her Sake Really Graduated From Stanford With A B.S. In Symbolic Systems, CEO

Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were

If She Could Do It All Over Again, Marissa Mayer Would Not Have Posed Lying Upside Down On A Lawn Chair Holding An iPad With Her Face On It

Yahoo! Employees Wanted Answers. Marisa Mayer Read Them A Children’s Story. (She Actually Did This.)

Scattered pictures,
Of the smiles we left behind

Marissa Mayer Wants Senior Execs To Promise They Will Stay By Her Side Aboard Yahoo’s Sinking Ship

Minority Shareholder Spends 99-Pages Telling Yahoo Why Marissa Mayer Is Literally THE Worst

Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were

Marissa Mayer Probably Should Have Seen The Irony In Her $7 Million “Great Gatsby”-Themed Yahoo Holiday Party

Marissa Mayer Has A Cool New Office Nickname

Can it be that it was all so simple then?

Marissa Mayer Is So Ready To Save Yahoo That She Fired 30 People By Accident

Or has time re-written every line?

Even Kim Kardashian’s Ass Is Working Against Marissa Mayer

If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we? Could we?

Yahoo To Contemplate The $55M Value Proposition Of Firing Marissa Mayer

">Yahoo To Contemplate The $55M Value Proposition Of Firing Marissa Mayer

Mem'ries, may be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember

Everyone At Sun Valley Is Hanging Out Without Marissa Mayer

We simply choose to forget

Marissa Mayer Forced To Admit That She Let Your Mom’s Email Account Get Hacked

Feds Likely Still In Shock About How Easy It Was To Get Marissa Mayer To Spy On Her Own Users

So it's the laughter
We will remember

Yahoo Will Not Pay Marissa Mayer Her Bonus After Recognizing The Absurdity Of Paying Marissa Mayer A Bonus

Whenever we remember...
The way we were...

Marissa Mayer Getting $23 Million For Running Yahoo Into The Ground

The way we were...

Fare thee well, Evita Breadsticks...fare thee well.



Reports: Marissa Mayer Thisclose To Getting Verizon To Pay $5B For What's Left Of Yahoo

She might just pull a half-dead rabbit out of a badly-damaged hat after all, you guys.


Yahoo Stockholders Finally Vote To End The Misery Of Holding Yahoo Stock

Fare thee well, Purple Kingdom, the stench of your failure will keep you alive in our hearts.


Marissa Mayer Is The Keyser Söze Of Business

The greatest trick Marissa ever pulled was convincing the world she didn't know what she was doing.

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Marissa Mayer Is The Only Person Who Thinks Marissa Mayer Is Staying On At Yahoo

She could stay on post-merger, but the Gods of Logic would weep.