Imagine you're a SIFI CEO who just reported that your bank knocked off a second quarter in which you beat estimates on earnings and revenue while also increasing net income by 10% year-over-year, and you did it all without the proverbial wind at your proverbial back.
Now imagine that you're Brian Moynihan.
How quickly did the happiness evaporate?
The melancholy power of BriMo is truly chilling. Here are some details on BofA's Q2 2017:
Bank of America, the second-largest U.S. bank by assets under management, posted better-than-expected second-quarter results on Tuesday.
The bank reported earnings per share of 46 cents on revenue of $22.829 billion. Analysts polled by Thomson Reuters expected earnings per share of 43 cents on sales of $21.781 billion.
And during his quarterly sad chat call with analysts, BriMo was doing the almost unthinkable; letting everyone know that he was feeling pretty damn good about being Brian Moynihan right now.
He even said these words: "We had one of the strongest quarters in our history. All of our businesses delivered strong results, with several setting new records."
So, back the fuck up, haters. BriMo has taken your shit long enough. He inherited a nightmare and thought he might never wake up, sure, but he also made the tough decisions and never backed down from a beating. But if you look at BofA's credit situation right now, it's pretty obvious that BriMo toiled in the darkness to make moldy lemons into delicious lemonade. He's taken an unwieldy cat rodeo of toxicity and fashioned it into a barely-wieldy circus of compartmentalized problems.
So now please line up to high five BroMo on his victory lap and pick up some surely-surging BAC stock on your way out the door...
Oh, COME ON YOU GUYS! What is this shit?!
Revenue from the company's fixed income trading unit totaled $2.254 billion for the quarter, topping expectations, but still represented a 14 percent year-over-year decline. The bank attributed the decline to "weaker performance in rates and emerging markets relative to a strong year-ago quarter."
You're going to ping him on trading? Even Jamie and Lloyd got fucked on trading this quarter and they know what they're doing! This is so unfair!
And now you've stolen the chance to see the most rarest thing in all of finance: A real smile on the beaten face of Brian Moynihan.
We hope you monsters are happy.