There's a new sheriff in the White House y'all, and Anthony Scaramucci is fixin' to fire folks faster than he can sell a deteriorating fund-of-funds to not the Chinese government.
See, The Mooch is in Washington to crush Sean Spicer and stop West Wing leaks... and he's all done with Sean Spicer. As The Mooch told the Washington Post today, he has big plans for the staff working under him...
Anthony Scaramucci, the new White House communications director, threatened on Tuesday to fire his entire staff in an effort to stem the leaking that has plagued President Trump's administration since almost the first day he took office.
“I’m going to fire everybody, that’s how I’m going to do it,” Scaramucci said.“You’re either going to stop leaking or you’re going to get fired.”
Don't worry, he added nuance.
“If they don’t stop leaking, I’m going to put them out on Pennsylvania Avenue — it’s a very clear thing,” he said. “You want to sell postcards to the tourists outside the gate or you want to work in the West Wing? What do you want to do? IF you want to work in the West Wing, you’ve got to stop leaking.”
This is why you bring in a great communicator known for smoothing rough edges and selling people on a presidency that a vast majority of Americans see as overly aggressive and melodramatic. And we won't even mention that getting Anthony Scaramucci to purge your office of people reaching out to the press on background is like hiring Bill O'Reilly to make sure that no one at your office is harassing women using filthy references to Scandanavian body scrubbers and/or Mediterranean chickpea fritters.
But this is not to say that The Mooch is heartless. Quite the contrary. The Mooch has a heart so big it could swallow that whole town, which is why he is finding it so hard to fire people in the media-infested hell that is our Nation's Capitol:
Asked about press reports that he has already begun to fire West Wing staffers, Scaramucci mentioned that name of a particular staffer floated in a news story as a likely candidate for firing, and said this was one of his frustrations with the leaks coming from the West Wing.
“This is actually a terrible thing," he said.“The fact that you guys know about it before he does really upsets me as a human being and as a Roman Catholic, you got that? So I should have the opportunity, if I have to let someone go, to let the person go in a very humane, dignified way.”
Aside from referencing the Roman Catholic Church's unblemished HR history, we see nothing of note in this quote other than The Mooch is looking for some new and interesting ways to fire the shit out of people.
As part of our commitment to public service, we'd like to introduce The Mooch to Hampton Creek CEO Josh Tetrick, a man who is currently rewriting the book on diabolically axing his own staff. According to some excellent recent reporting from Bloomberg's Olivia Zaleski, our old pal Josh finds his vegan food empire crumbling around him with his entire board resigning in protest after he burned through a metric shit-ton of venture funding and then - like - fired everybody.
For months, senior employees had been sparring with Tetrick over the allocation of Hampton Creek’s dwindling money, said three of the people. Tetrick wanted to increase the budget for the company’s lab-grown meat initiative. The senior employees argued Hampton Creek should focus on its egg-replacement products, which had been promised to investors two years prior. The employees were also pushing Tetrick to allocate resources to improve Hampton Creek’s food-safety oversight. The company disputed that employees made requests for additional quality assurance resources.
On April 24, Hampton Creek’s chief financial officer, chief operations officer and human resources chief discovered they had been fired along with the company’s head of finance and logistics. Tetrick did not notify his directors in advance, said the people.
Following the firings, Hampton Creek’s board met with Tetrick. The meeting grew heated and expletives were hurled as board members erupted in outrage.
Roman Catholics will find that hard to read, but what Tetrick did next is so bursting with cold and calculated ruthless that is reads like a piece of performance art designed to appeal to the dark reptilian part of every human brain:
The board meeting concluded with an agreement that Tetrick would not make major decisions without consulting his directors, two of the people said. Tetrick agreed, but less than six weeks later, he fired three more of Hampton Creek’s executives without the board’s permission, they said.
The dismissal of these three executives came while the employees were on a business trip in Majorca, Spain. During their weekend break, Tetrick created a ruse, said one of the people. Tetrick told the three to cancel their flights to a meeting in Germany. Instead, Tetrick instructed, they would pitch a wealthy venture capitalist who happened to be in Majorca on Monday afternoon, the person said.
Tetrick asked the executives to book a conference room at a Majorcan hotel and video conference him into the investor pitch. But when the three executives patched Tetrick into the meeting, they were surprised to see him sitting with a member of Hampton Creek’s human resources department. Moments later the supposed potential investor arrived. The man introduced himself as an agent who had been hired by Tetrick, the person said. He was there to serve the executives their termination documents and take their company laptops, the person said.
Not for nothing, but Josh Tetrick is like if Lex Luthor and Rube Goldberg created a cyborg for the express purpose of putting people out of work. He's a once-in-a-lifetime talent. And what with The Mooch about to have a surfeit of available desks in the West Wing and a need for some inventive new ways to pink slip anyone hired by Reince Priebus alleged leakers, it seems like Josh Tetrick (who it seems will be looking for a new gig sooner than later) is a no-brain hire for Scaramucci's staff.
We look forward to seeing what these guys can do together.