You guys remember Dawn J Bennett?
Quick refresher: Dawn is the investment adviser-cum-right-wing radio personality who decided to boycott her SEC enforcement hearing after being accused of wildly inflating her assets and performance by a whole lot. She claimed that the SEC was not allowed to judge her because it uses in-house judges to, like, judge people which she saw as patently unfair. Her decision got her banned from the securities industry and hit with a $4 million fine, but Bennett seemed to take it all in stride as part of some oddly suicidal long game against regulators and federal courts.
Well, it turns out that Dawn has now been charged with allegedly running a Ponzi scheme and the investigation into that scam has uncovered what aces Dawn had up her sleeve in the whole SEC deal...and when we say "aces" we mean tongues...and when we say "sleeve" we mean "jars"
Prosecutors also disclosed the discovery in an Aug. 2 search of Bennett’s penthouse in Chevy Chase, Maryland, of two freezers containing sealed Mason jars bearing the initials of U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission lawyers, on whom Bennett may have hoped to cast a “hoodoo spell.”
This is all real.
Bennett allegedly tried to salvage her good name by starting a new fund and raising money from elderly and unsophisticated investors to whom the SEC alleges she promised returns as high as 15%. But that's pretty boring in comparison to the VOODOO JARS FULL OF ACTUAL TONGUES.
The criminal case included an affidavit from Federal Bureau of Investigation Special Agent Keith Custer detailing what he called Bennett’s “consciousness of guilt.”
It discussed evidence gathered from a search of her Chevy Chase penthouse, including the shoes, which were photographed, and instructions for a “Beef Tongue Shut Up Hoodoo Spell.”
Custer said these called for a spell-caster to say the name of the individual targeted by the “hoodoo spell,” synonymous with a “voodoo spell,” followed by “I cross and cover you[,] come under my command[.] I command you to hold your tongue.”
Consistent with those instructions, Custer said agents also found the Mason jars, "suggesting that Bennett had many times cast a 'hoodoo spell' in hopes of paranormally silencing the SEC attorneys investigating Bennett."
It turns out that we owe Dawn J Bennett an apology. For just over a year, we've been following her case and ungently mocking her for treating her serious legal conundrum with a crazy high dose of magical thinking. We feel really stupid now that we know she was using actual fucking magic.
And maybe there's a jar in there for us, because we are positively enchanted by Dawn J. Bennett.