We don't talk about it much, but things have been difficult over at Deutsche Bank.
Gazing upon a kingdom ravaged by trading losses, legal nightmares and an angry population that have not been fed a bonus in many moons, Dear Leader John Cryan is moving ahead with his plan to fix Deutsche. Fines have been paid, trading desks have been reigned in, and the rank-and-file Deutsche Bankers will be happy once more after they are all replaced by robots.
Deutsche Bank’s chief executive John Cryan has asked colleagues to embrace their “revolutionary spirit” as employees for the bank already working “like robots” begin to be replaced by actual robots.
Mr Cryan warned that a “big number” of people working for him will lose their jobs as a result. Accountants who “spend a lot of the time basically being an abacus” will be replaced by automation, he said, risking the ire of the 6,000 finance staff that the bank employs globally.
Well, robots are not known to bitch and moan when they don't get bonuses. And you can trust a robot to not send stupid emails to each other bragging about the immoral shit they're doing while they're doing it. And robots don't get up in a room and lie to other robots about how things are just fine.
Holy scheiße, this might just work!
But isn't Cryan concerned that this will foment even more fury within his bank?
“The truthful answer is we won’t need as many people,” he said. “In our banks we have people behaving like robots doing mechanical things, tomorrow we’re going to have robots behaving like people.”
So, that's a nein?
With most banks, we'd be ready to sit back and see how this plays out in the off chance that it actually works. But with Deutsche, we're just going to start hoarding cans in anticipation of Cryan and Co. mistakingly achieving The Singularity and ushering in the robot apocalypse.