Skip to main content

Jamie Dimon Tacitly Announces He Will Hand JPMorgan Over To Marianne Lake When He Runs For President In 2020

Read between the lines, sheeple!

In a stunning turn of events, we woke up this morning to find that no one scooped up the best story from yesterday's DeliveringAlpha Conference.


During his conversation with Andrew Ross Sorkin, Jamie Dimon made it pretty clear that when he inevitably leaves his CEO post in late 2018/early 2019 to run for president, he will simultaneously make history by handing the reins over to CFO Marianne Lake, making her the first woman to lead a SIFI bank.

What? How did you not hear it?

ANDREW ROSS SORKIN: But you're spending more time in Washington than ever before. There was a piece out last week about the amount of time you're spending in Washington talking to different lawmakers. Are you not more pessimistic yourself about where things stand today?

JAMIE DIMON: I'm not that kind of person, okay? I wake up in the morning and give it my best. I don't guess about optimism, pessimism, stuff like that. I'm going to wake up tomorrow and give it my best. Wake up the next day, give it my best. It is what it is.
If I go to see lawmakers, all my regulars are down there. The OCC, the FCIC. We have forums down there, the Business Roundtable, the Senate Services Roundtable, the ABA, the FSRC, and we obviously get involved in legislation and stuff like that. Being the chair of the Business Roundtable, obviously I'm doing more of that.
The reason I'm doing that is the BRT, which is 200 large companies, a huge positive force in society. It could be a huge positive force for good policy around tax, immigration, infrastructure, trade, work skills initiative.
So the CEOs want to get those things done, too. And they're very important, because it's good for all of America. That's why. Because it'll create jobs, because it'll create more middle wages and wage growth. That's why it's important that business get involved in doing the right thing.

So, yeah, he's running.

Still not convinced, you clowns? Well, is this or is this not a platform...?

We can't build bridges. It takes ten years to get a permit to build a bridge. We're not training our kids in inner city schools. Our corporate tax system is unbelievably uncompetitive, has been that way for years, they're driving capital and brains overseas. Immigration system is driving brains overseas. We should keep all the people who earn advanced degrees and college degrees here. And our work labor force participation just think, one cohort, men 25 to 55, is down 10% from like 30 years ago.
And don't tell me that's the new normal. There's something wrong. 20% of that some people estimate is because of drugs. 80% is -- obviously Republicans will say it's because we have incentives not to work. Maybe incentives are too low to work. But all I've ever said is, if we did things right, we'd be growing 3%. But this growth, by the way, we've had the last eight years, it averaged a little bit less than 2%. It's half of the norm. Okay?

By ignoring his destiny and not becoming "The Treasury Secretary That Was Promised," The Khaleesi of Wall Street will now be forced to fix what was torn asunder when Stevie Mnuchin usurped his throne.

And speaking of thrones, Jamie was even forced to address the delicious notion that he would rescue Gary Cohn from the Trump administration in order install him as his successor/chief advisor at JPMorgan while he prepares his revolt against King Donald.

JAMIE DIMON: It wasn't speculation. Someone wrote a fantasy story. And then the rest of you -- the rest of you just started repeating it. The successor for JPMorgan is inside JPMorgan.

Oh? The heir is already in the castle? Pretend we don't know who it already it is and drop some hints...

JAMIE DIMON: Like I said, I have a new respect for Gary. So don't confuse the two. But, you know, our company is large. It's global. We're in consumer businesses, cash management business , custody businesses, and we've got several people who are unbelievably talented. I should brag, too, by the way. 50% of the operating community is now women. Just promoted Lori Beer to run technology and Robin Leopold, the head of HR. So we're really doing a great job. Because they're good. Not because they're women, by the way.

So much talk of the burgeoning female power inside JPM makes a fella wonder just how badly Daniel Pinto will take the news that he has been passed over for the big gig. And since Jamie would namecheck his actual choice in the example that leaves us with two candidates: Mary Callahan Erdoes and Marianne Lake.

Moving Erdoes seems like too iffy a proposition, and since she already makes more money than anyone other than Jamie without the pressure of being in charge, it stands to reason that she might not even want to be CEO. Which leaes us with Marianne; perhaps the only CFO in finance who is an industry household name. It also works out nicely that she is also the best choice to replace King Jamie.

We also liked that Jamie is practicing his political stylings by working on some jokes:

I'm not talking about anybody in particular. You're going to have -- no. You're going to have people leave that aren't going to get my job, and people will say they were forced out or something like that. And sometimes they had better opportunities. Sometimes they retire their jobs. We don't go out there and tell you all why and we're not going to. But I will tell you we've got the best management team ever. There's several people at the board. It's a board decision, not a Jamie Dimon decision.

Hahahaha, we never tire of that old "Jamie Dimon's board tells him what to do" joke structure. It's just classic deadpan sarcasm.

Shattering a glass ceiling on his way out the door would be the ultimate Dimonian power move, and it would serve him well in the cauldron of bullshit identity politics that will be the 2020 election, now he just needs to convince his running mate Lloyd Blankfein to find an equally "woke" heir apparent.



Jamie Dimon Readies JPMorgan For His Transition To The White House

We see right through this "five more years" horseshit.


Jamie Dimon: "America, F@*# Yeah!"

We're not saying Jamie is more patriotic than you, but you're not nearly as patriotic as Jamie.


If Jamie Dimon Isn't Running For President, He Just Wasted 20 Minutes Of Everybody's Time

If he keeps teasing us like this, we might have to update the meaning of #DraftDimon.