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Bill Ackman Admits That He Is Contemplating Self-Harm

The Ack-Man is looking to make his death by Chipotle more literal.

We were somewhat joking yesterday, but it now appears that Bill Ackman is truly in a valley of existential grief over a disastrous quarterly earning report from Chipotle.


As CMG stock hit its lowest level in about 4 years, Ackman saw his 10% stake in the burrito drop by roughly $145 million in value. And while he's not literally slathering his naked body in disappointingly grainy queso whilst crying in the darkness, he ain't exactly thrilled neither...

“There is not a member of the board of directors; there is not a member of management; there is not a shareholder of the company who isn’t disappointed with the progress of the company so far,” Ackman said in an interview with Reuters in Boston.

But it feels like Ackman is more than disappointed. After sticking with Chipotle through bouts of E-Coli, norovirus and, perhaps most disgustingly, queso, Ackman is resorting to a new plan that mixes investment desperation with actual self-harm:

“The entire investment team is going to be eating Chipotle until the stock price is back at $500,” he joked.

Don't joke about this, Bill. You don't need to hurt yourself to see if you still feel. You deserve love and happiness, not death by diarrhea. Also, you could always just get out of this position and focus on...Herbalife?

You're right Bill, eat the burrito bowl. Eat ALL the burrito bowls.

Ackman: All directors, shareholders 'disappointed' by Chipotle slide [Reuters]



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