We all know that congressional committees love nothing more than the opportunity to drag a well-known private sector executive into a hearing room and take turns delivering a populist beating in front of CSPAN cameras. And it's also common knowledge that those same executives do whatever they can to avoid such a situation.
Over the years however, both sides have agreed to a certain way of doing things that gives Congress the power to "invite" the nation's wealthiest and most powerful businesspeople to Capitol Hill as long as there is ample time for their "guests" to prepare on numerous levels for the "visit" and its reputational fallout. There are accepted moves inside this dance, such as you get less lead time if your bad behavior became front-page news, and bigger transgressions warrant the attendance of more senior executives.
Jamie, Lloyd, BriMo, and a few Wells Fargo CEOs know how this game is played, as do numerous telecom and pharma executives. If your company has done something that pisses off the public enough that the media is up your ass with a flashlight, you circle a date on the calendar, pack your CEO an overnight bag and put them on a commercial flight to Washington DC. They sit at a big wooden table and sip water nervously while members of Congress use them for sound bites. It's all good fun.
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and COO Sheryl Sandberg are unlikely to testify before Congress early next month, when Facebook will face a grilling on how Russia-based groups used the company's ad-buying technology to influence the 2016 U.S. election, a source familiar with the situation told CNBC.
Wow, Facebook, learn the rules. Most of the people pulled in before Congress have done something to rig a market, hide a costly mistake, or straight up try to directly cheat poor people for their own profit. All those are things that Congress has to pretend to care about. You might have fucked with the election! That's a direct threat!
In fact, you're lucky they gave you more than 24 hours to get ready. Is it too short notice for Zuck to convince Sheryl that she needs to take another bullet for him? What's the deal, guys? And you better have a glorious excuse...
While the company hasn't finalized who will represent Facebook at a hearing of the Senate Intelligence Committee on that date, it probably won't be either of its top two executives, said the source, who spoke on condition of anonymity because a final decision has yet to be made.
Instead, Zuckerberg and Sandberg are expected to be on a conference call with investors and Wall Street analysts that afternoon to discuss the company's third-quarter results, as is typical.
DAAAAAAMN, Facebook. You've got a truly enormous set of balls.
The Senate Intel Committee wants to talk about how your global hegemonic business model was gamed by Kremlin forces to influence the democratic political underpinnings of the country in which you are based, and your two top execs can't come because that's, like, the same day as your quarterly earnings call?
Even Jamie Dimon thinks that your pimp hand might be a little too strong.
But hey, we get it, you have investors and they need to be updated on performance. They made plans for this date and you put in on the calendar, we assume, a while ago...
Facebook said Wednesday it will release its quarterly financial report and hold its usual earnings call after the close of U.S. stock markets on Wednesday, Nov. 1.
How do you even put on pants with balls that big, Facebook?
You literally looked at the day that they had to be in DC and scheduled an earnings call? That's like telling Congress that you can't discuss the existential threat that you might pose to American sovereignty because Zuck actually decided that he had to wash his hair that day...and Sheryl decided that she had to help.