When your tenure as CEO has been characterized by paying out almost $8 billion in fines, massive layoffs and freezing of bonuses to help pay off said fines, a plummeting stock price and overall poor financial performance, it's hard to really engender the love and respect of your staff.
John Cryan over at Deutsche Bank knows what we're talking about. Poor Johnny Cryin is not the most popular guy in Frankfurt (it doesn't help that he hates being actually in Frankfurt) but being the counterintuitively brilliant management expert that he is, Cryan is about to radically raise the average rate of Deutsche Bankers who don't hate John Cryan.
The chief executive of Deutsche Bank has given his clearest hint yet that his bank could cut tens of thousands more jobs as it turns to technology to bring costs into line with sharply lower revenues.
“We employ 97,000 people,” John Cryan told the Financial Times. “Most big peers have more like half that number.”
That's right, nerds, John Cryan wants you to look to your right and your left, taking a real gander at the Deutsche Bank colleagues next to you. Ok? Good. You're fired. Because if all of you are just going to complain as you suck a salary from the company tete while Cryan's leadership hemorrhages money elsewhere, he'll just fire half of you. And if you're wondering how he's going to run a major global bank with half the staff, he's way ahead of you, dummkopf:
Mr Cryan said many of the additional cuts would come through using technology to boost efficiency in the bank’s processes.
“There we’ve got the most to gain,” he said. “We’re too manual, which can make you error-prone and it makes you inefficient. There’s a lot of machine learning and mechanisation that we can do.”
You know what robots don't do? Bitch and moan when their boss takes money out of their pockets to pay for the mistakes of their predecessors. Robots also don't raise a Teutonic eyebrow when the CEO of their bank makes obviously self-harming decisions at every possible opportunity.
Robots are fantastisch, and loyal. And John Cryan just wants someone to love him, even if they are just programmed to do so.