Imagine the person you're least interested in hearing talk about bitcoin actually talking about bitcoin. It could be the cousin who posts anarcho-libertarian screeds on Facebook, or the IT guy at work struggles with the concept of personal space. It could be a grandparent, a celebrity, even a bank CEO. Think of the dumbest thing this person could possibly say – something like “bitcoin can help end war” or “I am Satoshi.”
This is all just an exercise to prepare you, mentally and emotionally, to consider what will easily be the most cosmically stupid bitcoin take ever to enter the public discourse, should it occur: the Trump take.
It will probably happen in tweet form, likely involve intimations of Chinese or Iranian influence, and potentially have some nonsense phrase set off in quotes like “Bad Asset” or “Fake Money” or something. Alternatively, it might take the form of the president's equities analysis missives and attribute soaring crypto prices to Trump himself.
This is still a hypothetical. But on Thursday U.S. citizens were treated to an official White House opinion on bitcoin, courtesy of Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and it's just as vapid and mystifying as you'd expect:
REPORTER: ...cryptocurrency: Has the president been following this at all, bitcoin specifically, the major run-up in it? Does he have an opinion on it, does he feel or does the administration feel that this is now something that needs to be regulated by the government?
SANDERS: I know this is something that is being monitored by our team here – in terms of specific briefings and announcements on it I don't have anything that I can share with you right now...
REPORTER: What kind of monitoring?
SANDERS: Look, this is an issue I know that Tom Bossert with the Homeland Security team, an advisor to the president has brought this up in a meeting earlier this week. I know it's something he's keeping an eye on, we'll keep you posted.
DHS? Bitcoin? Bossert? Why? Who knows. At first it all sounded like the sort of thing one says when caught haven't having done the required reading, but the subsequent revelation that the head of Homeland Security has brought up cryptos in White House meetings indicates that there is something there, it's just weirder than anyone could have guessed.
Given the incomprehensibility of the announcement, bitcoin was not greatly affected by the news. Just wait until the inevitable tweet.