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Thank God There Is No Sexual Abuse On Wall Street

A toast to the good guys.

It feels like America is in the midst of an upheaval.


Powerful men throughout the culture are being made to answer for inexcusable behavior towards women that went excused for generations. In entertainment, politics, sports, and journalism, titans of their industry have been felled by revelations that they have bullied, harassed, groped, and even raped female colleagues. The details of these acts are shocking to many and upsetting to all, and they are insidiously pervasive.

Well, "pervasive" with one increasingly obvious exception.

As man after man has been dragged before the court of public opinion to answer for his transgression, we can't help but notice that not a single bold-faced name in the world of finance has found his name trending on social media next to a #MeToo. Not a single bank CEO, hedge fund manager or even private equity mogul has been caught up in this shattering of the zeitgeist.

We are gladdened to see that women in finance are so universally empowered and safe from the predations of their male colleagues. After putting all of this mishegas behind it once the 80s and 90s ended, Wall Street is squeaky clean. It's a huge relief to divine from the absence of examples that chivalry is indeed the dominating behavior on today's trading floors, and that hedge funds are the temples of Wokeness that we always assumed them to be. We always kind of knew in our heart-of-hearts that female first year analysts at investment banks were treated like queens, but it's so nice to be able to surmise it to be true.

In fact, the only woman Wall Street seems capable of harassing these days is Elizabeth Warren.

See, it turns out that while Hollywood, Capitol Hill, Silicon Valley and most of the mainstream media are cesspools of unchecked male sexual aggression, the only man in finance who has ever done anything problematic recently was apparently some mutual fund manager inside Fidelity. And he was basically a tech investor, so...

We are in Week 8 of the post-Harvey Weinstein era and not a single major figure on Wall Street has been accused of sexual impropriety. That's just science. Science that proves Sage Kelly was a modern outlier and that there is no inferable pattern of toxic misogyny on today's Wall Street whatsoever.

And it's not like Wall Street is way more culturally practiced in handling these things in-house, quietly resolving them using cash-on-hand and then deploying the public relations equivalent of a blast furnace to contain the possible fallout. That's crazy talk. It would also be madness to factor in that the consequences of making accusations on Wall Street are even more career-shattering than other industries due to iron-clad employment agreements, higher monetary stakes and a paucity of opportunities for women in finance. Hey, if we're going on the simple belief that these things always see the light of day, we have to conjecture that Wall Street is utterly without sin.

Why peer inwards and risk seeing something problematic with the Dow going to 25K and, like, Bitcoin?!

So, congrats to you, Wall Street. In these troubled times, you shine dimly as a presumable bastion of moral integrity by merely hiding in plain sight.



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