In Hopes Of Getting Time Warner Deal Done, AT&T Will Use Tax Cut To Give Trump A Full Release Ego Hand Job

You a thirsty motherfucker, Randall Stephenson.
Author:
Updated:
Original:

It was hard to miss in the chaotic news miasma of 2017, but AT&T has spent the entire year trying to close its "merger" deal "with" Time Warner. The whole thing has been plagued by regulatory roadblocks thrown up by a government that openly detests regulation but hates Time Warner property CNN with an all-consuming loathing.

StephensonTrump

We're sure that has nothing to do with it though...right, The Justice Department?

But with both parties set to sue the DoJ for blocking the merger because The Donald has a twitter beef with Don Lemon, AT&T has shifted gears and decided to just play along with the emotional needs of a government run by a egomaniacal adolescent.

Upon noticing that Trump's massive corporate tax cut will now become law, AT&T CEO Randall Stephenson rubbed some Jergen's into his warm palms, dropped to his knees, closed his eyes and reportedly dictated this statement:

"Congress, working closely with the President, took a monumental step to bring taxes paid by U.S. businesses in line with the rest of the industrialized world," CEO Randall Stephenson said in a statement. "This tax reform will drive economic growth and create good-paying jobs. In fact, we will increase our U.S. investment and pay a special bonus to our U.S. employees."

While the point of this whole fellatic exercise is comically clear, we do have to give Stephenson points for not straight-out asking "Can I buy CNN now?" And he gets double points for resisting the urge to just go full throttle and tell shareholders that he feels safe every day "knowing that our strong and smart President is protectively caressing (but never grabbing) our nation with his famously huge hands."

AT&T is giving $1,000 bonuses to 200,000 employees after tax bill [CNBC]

Related