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Anthony Noto Realizes That Saving Jack Dorsey From Himself Is A Terrible Job, Gets New Job Saving SoFi From Itself

Only a Goldman Sachs guy could save SoFi and fuck Twitter in one solitary chess move.

Despite all that's gone wrong for Twitter in recent years, many people felt that the company's CFO-turned-COO Anthony Noto was a powerful enough force to steady the ship of non-profitability that Jack Dorsey was sailing on a part-time basis. But those people will have to find another reason to rationalize their belief in Twitter, because Anthony Noto has a new gig...


SoFi today announced that its Board of Directors has named Anthony Noto as chief executive officer and a director, effective March 1.

Noto is the platonic ideal of what Silicon Valley CEOs aren't. He's a former Goldman Sachs partner who went to West Point and Wharton, and even served as an Army Ranger. And if you're wondering how he fits in out in The Bay, just remember that he was hired at Twitter by an actual comedian and reportedly became a bit rankled after Jack came back to save the company on a literal part-time basis.

Luckily for Anthony, he's joining up with an operation that doesn't need a heavy hand management-wise.

JK, he's going to SoFi.

But for a guy with Noto's background, this could be a dream gig. He's a bona fide Goldman alum entering into a business that is substantially easier for him monetize, and SoFi offers him yet another opportunity to put his tech IPO shaman powers to work. We haven't had much chatter about shenanigans going on inside SoFi recently, which makes sense considering that the online lender cleared house last year and has taken pains to find a new leader to take the thing public, and make sure that people aren't banging each other so hard in the office bathrooms.

From our perspective, that patience has been rewarded by landing Noto. He can clearly handle the business side, and while there is no clear evidence that he has ever had direct management experience with controlling sexual harassment in the workplace, Twitter has remained scandal-free during his reign as Chief Stepdad Officer. And like we said, he's the polar opposite of Travis Kalanick/Evan Spiegel CEO type.

As for what Noto's departure means for Twitter?...

Screen Shot 2018-01-23 at 2.31.14 PM

...and it's likely only going to get worse before it gets better.

Now excuse us while we handicap which young Wall Street all-star could be greedy enough to be tempted by Jack Dorsey.



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Let's Check In On How "Juggling Jack" Dorsey Is Doing In 2016

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Jack Dorsey Is Just Choosing Not To Be Profitable, You Guys, So Calm The F@ck Down

Maybe just don't say this from the comfort of your Irish tax haven Global HQ.