Remember when Deutsche Bank got bonus checks totaling like zero dollars last winter and some of you sat at your Bloomberg terminals, giggling in mockery as your unchewed Maple delivery lunch dribbled down onto your shirt?
Well, it's 2018 now. Maple is out of business and you suckers are going to regret laughing:
Some traders at the largest Wall Street banks are about to get big, fat zeroes for bonuses while they watch markets thrive.
Trading revenue was down significantly across the industry during the fourth quarter, wrapping up a year in which clients around the globe sat idle as market volatility hovered near historic lows.
For some reason, despite our new financial regulatory culture of "Try not to actually kill anyone, but otherwise go crazy," and a tax code that makes it harder to lose money, Wall Street is doing some belt-tightening and that seems to include no longer incentivizing losers:
As a result, bonuses could be 10 percent to 20 percent lower than the prior year, and traders who sit on desks that posted losses could get nothing at all, consultants and recruiters said in interviews.
“Getting zero bonuses was unheard of a couple years ago, but it happens today,” said Alan Johnson, head of compensation consulting firm Johnson Associates.
“I expect that there are people who will get no bonus” this season, he added.
And one place where people might end up getting low-value Amazon Prime gift cards in lieu of six-digit bonus checks is - will wonders never cease? - 200 West Street:
Commodities traders may have it the worst. Muted client activity and wild fluctuations in power and natural gas markets resulted in one of the worst years on record for many trading firms. Big names in energy trading, including hedge fund manager Andy Hall and Texas tycoon T. Boone Pickens, simply closed up shop.
After posting one of the worst years on record, managers in Goldman Sachs’ commodities trading unit have told some staff to expect little to no bonus for 2017 performance, three people familiar with the matter told Reuters.
They were not authorized to speak on the record. Spokeswoman Tiffany Galvin declined to comment.
But before you start to enjoy the schadenfreude of Goldmanites getting lumps of coal in their bonus stockings, remember how much you enjoyed Deutsche Bankers getting fucked over last year and play it cool, because it's probably about to happen to you.