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Cryptos Crippled By A Healthy Dose Of Oprah Optimism

The Chosen One made us remember "Hope"...and destroyed the alt-coin market.

When Oprah Winfrey took the stage at the Golden Globes last night to accept the Cecil B. DeMille Award, the world was a different place.


We were mired in fear and distrust. Political, gendered, and - if we're honest - of ourselves. But then Oprah spoke, and it was as if her words lifted an albatross of emotional pain in our collective psyches. As we remembered our spirit and heard her speak our truth, we remembered what it was to hope again, to believe in ourselves again. To love again.

The lady who produced the film adaptation of "Tuesdays with Morrie" is going to fix all that is broken in these United States.

But while the inevitable Winfrey presidency took shape before our eyes, promising us all the kind of never-ending global of peace and prosperity that only a professional broadcaster, actress and self-help media mogul can provide, there was one sector of society that cringed and screamed as Her shining light broke through the darkness: Cryptos.

See, cryptos have fed like psychic leeches on our fear but with the reign of Queen Oprah coming into focus on the horizon, the dawn gave a harsh greeting to Blockchain-loving heathens:

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You can literally see the moment when the cryptomarket realized that the part was over. While we as a race will likely never understand The Blockchain, we now know that it is allergic to the power of Oprah.

And how could it not be? Now that we've settled on the right famous billionaire without political experience to lead us, there is no need to hide our money in cryptos and watch it multiply without logic or reason. We can put our money back in the stock market, where Oprah is already making her presence felt. Think about it, why would you hold Dogecoin when you can invest in The Oprah Economy™?

Under President Winfrey and Treasury Secretary Dimon [natch], "The Trump Bump" will look more like "The Donald Hiccup." Market Caps will be uncappable, labor participation will exceed 100%, and the Dow will likely quadruple on Day 2 of Her administration. In this post-rational world, Oprah will give us the economy that only Millennials have heretofore truly understood we deserve.

You had a good run cryptos, but flinty-eyed financiers the world over are seeing clearly today that your bulging wallets of digital fear cannot withstand the salvation that is Oprah 2020.



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