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Noted Male Feminist Bill Gross Also Has Some Thoughts On Bonds This Month

The Once and Former Bond King has truly found his cringeworthy place in the #MeToo moment.

If the ongoing exegesis of our sexual assault-ridden culture has taught us anything, it's that now is the perfect time to perfect your hackneyed "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" comedy routines in the public eye. And this is especially true of people whose careers provide them ample opportunity to sidestep this nuanced and painful conversation by simply talking about a different thing in which they have expertise.


Bill Gross knows what we're talking about.

The man that Mo El-Erian loves to hate has released his January investment outlook, and it is a doozy addition to the "WTF Bill Gross" canon, perhaps even a masterwork. It's up there with the time he fondly remembered not being able to hump a co-ed in the backseat of his car at Duke. While Bill does touch on bonds at some point, the wokest man in Orange County spends the whole top of his letter on his contribution to the #MeToo/#TimesUp movement.

Yes, it is as cringeworthy as it sounds.

Take it away, Bill!

Women have gotten the short stick or metaphorically the short rib ever since Eve, and I’m with Oprah for president and much, much more but hey, guys have got a few positive qualities that need to be mentioned. I mean when basketball players miss a free throw these days, they still get “low fives” from all their teammates. So here are a few low fives for men, men, men.

Oh, but this can get worse. Six times worse...

  1. Men need fewer pairs of shoes and purses.
  2. Men live 10 years less on average. They truly are the weaker sex. Feel sorry for ‘em ladies, not angry.
  3. Men shouldn’t be criticized for not putting the toilet seat down. If they need to put it down, they will. If women do too, they can use their foot just like everyone else.
  4. Men run faster, jump higher and are much better at not communicating.
  5. Sure men start wars but great things actually are a result of them. Canned foods owe their origin to Napoleon, microwave ovens to the invention of radar during WWII, and the Internet (not Al Gore) to the fear of Russia bombing U.S. telephone lines during the Cold War. Way to go guys. Keep starting those wars.
  6. Men always know where the remote control is. Right next to them.

We see what he's trying to do here, sure, but oof. And while we like the whole "Millennial Archie Bunker" voice...

I could go on and on. I won’t. I don’t dare. Actually most of the world’s problems would go away if men just stayed home, watched football and learned to talk to their partners during commercial breaks. There are certainly enough of them.

Where the fuck is he going with this?...

Bonds, like men, are in a bear market. For both, it’s hard to say when it all began.

Oh, jfc.

But after finally getting to some trenchant financial analysis, at least Bill brings it all home!

Oprah shouted, “Their time has come”. The bear bond market’s time has come as well. Many would say, including yours truly – “It’s about time”.

JK, this letter is a disaster.



Bill Gross, Poet

The bond king is going to take some time to do the things he never had.


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