On days like today, when things are as volatile and intense as the markets have been since last Friday, it's comforting to have a father figure type tell you that everything is going to be all right.
But instead of that, CNBC decided to give us Carl Icahn:
"The market is a casino on steroids" with these exchange-traded funds and exchange-traded notes, and they are the "fault lines" that will eventually lead to an earthquake on Wall Street, Icahn said.
"The market itself is way over leveraged," Icahn said on "Fast Money Halftime Report," adding "one day this thing is just going to implode."
And Uncle Carl went on to put minds at ease by talking about the "rumblings" that he felt in the market, thanks to batshit derivatives like the XIV ETF, a security designed to short the VIX. But he wasn't done:
"The market has become a much more dangerous place," he said, adding he believes the current volatility is a precursor to "things to come."
"Passive investing is the bubble right now. And that's a great danger," he said, adding investors aren't realizing as they're piling into index funds that these investments don't always go up.
Icahn's basic message was that this market is riddled with red flags and it's being traded by people that are too clueless to know how clueless they really are, so when the shit hits the fan he'll be fine but a lot of morons will end up broke.
And he also said that he's too old for cryptos because Carl Icahn truly is an old man cartoon stereotype come alive.