Behold The Dealbreaker Final Five!

The rest of you can officially stop paying attention now.
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At Dealbreaker Tournament Challenge Labs, our focus is on you, the competitor, and just how badly you have done in picking the results of basketball games this month. This year, you have done quite badly, and you ought to be ashamed.

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Out of 151 entries, there are 37 that are guaranteed to select the correct winner of half of the games in the NCAA Tournament. Even in a year where a 16 seed beat a 1 seed for the first time, and an 11 seed is headed to the Final Four, this is embarrassing. We’re looking particularly at you here, Thornton McEnery, and your maximum 31 correct selections, as well as you… uh… Jesse Spector, and that fat “27” under “BEST CORRECT” on the CBS Sports tracker.

Whatever. Assurances were made at the beginning of this nonsense competition that you were probably doomed to fail, and fail you have. If the championship game winds up being Kansas against Loyola, there will be only eight people who could possibly have chosen the national champion correctly, a number that will drop to zero if the Fightin’ Sister Jeans manage to pull off that very last upset.

The Ramblers have to get past Michigan first, but if the Wolverines go on to win the championship, our winner here will be David Katz, who currently sits three points off the lead, but has a better chance to win than first place-holder SDM.

SDM will win if the matchup in the national title game is Villanova against Loyola, while Elon Monk will win if the title matchup is Kansas against Loyola. That leaves us with only two other possible outcomes: Michigan losing to Kansas or Villanova. If it’s the Jayhawks over the Wolverines, Jack Nolan is the champion of our contest, while if it’s the Wildcats, Seth Kreger takes the prize.

First-week leader Chase Goodwin has slipped into a tie for 18th place, proving once again that oldest axiom of college basketball: “Purdue will screw you.” While we’ve received evidence that this is not, in fact, an old axiom, it does rhymes, and it’s true. Anyway, sorry to Chase, who will not be winning that sweet prize, a Dealbreaker bag, perfect for smuggling drugs into or files out of an office, depending whether you’re more into sting operations or whistleblowing.

Also not getting the bag is kpm179, who has clinched last place with 30 points off of 24 correct selections. Our grand loser had six correct teams out of the Sweet 16, then zero in the Elite Eight, with a Final Four of Virginia, Providence, Purdue, and Clemson. Needless to say, Virginia over Purdue isn’t happening in the title game. Better luck next year!

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