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Facebook Stock Surges On Strong Signals That Old People Can't Stop/Understand Facebook

Nothing helps Facebook stock like 40-odd luddite septuagenarians.

Everyone got really excited when Boy Billionaire Mark Zuckerberg went to Capitol Hill today so that US Senators could rake him over the coals because Facebook got breached by Cambridge Analytica and gave everyone's private data away.

Hanging in the balance was the future of a $475 billion company, the existential regulatory future of the tech industry and our notional perception of privacy in the 21st century. Needless to say, Wall Street held its breath as Zuckerberg entered an extremely crowded Senate chamber and began to take questions from the assembled elected officials charged with defending our republic.

And then we got a lot of this:

"We sell ads." Mark Zuckberg explains Facebook's business model to Orrin Hatch.

— Rob Tornoe (@RobTornoe) April 10, 2018

So then this happened:

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Aaaaand, scene.



Facebook Indicating To Congress That It Has Unprecedentedly Enormous Balls

Even Jamie Dimon wouldn't tell the Senate Intel Committee that he's too busy for a chat.


Gary Cohn Just Out Here Hitting Golf Balls, Trading Crypto, And Hatin' On Facebook

As long as he avoids stumbling into a surprise DJ D-Sol set, we're happy for the big galoot.

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Sheryl Sandberg Leans In To Take Public Beating On Mark Zuckerberg's Behalf

Facebook's fuck-up is on Sheryl because The Zuck is woke now.