Wells Fargo Reports Solid Earnings Before Mumbling "But, Like, Minus A Billion Or Whatever..."

Why can't you just be cool, Wells Fargo?
Image adapted from Flickr User Aranami.

Image adapted from Flickr User Aranami.

Bank earnings season is back, babies! And it is already lit AF with Citi and JPMorgan blowing shit way up! No more corporate taxes and what's left of this bull market for equities is just what the doctor ordered, so there is nothing that can stop banks, they're all the way up!!!

Oh, what's that you say? Another Big Four bank reported today? Which one? Oh, please don't say it was...

Wells Fargo's earnings beat expectations Friday...

Phew, we thought Wells Fargo was going to ruin this moment with its Wells Fargoian ability to ruin everything...

...but the bank emphasized that the results could be revised depending on the outcome of talks with regulators over a possible $1 billion settlement.

Oh goddamit, Wells Fargo, can't you just be cool?

Don't go around crowing about your earnings "beat" just to fit if you're also gonna mumble that you owe $1 billion in fines. That's like telling the cool kids you'll rent the limo for prom because you're totally going when in fact you're grounded and you couldn't get a date because no one trusts you.

In fact, let's look at your numbers and have fun with math:

The bank reported a 5.5 percent gain in first-quarter profit. Net income was $5.9 billion, or $1.12 a share beat the average analyst forecast of $1.06 from Thomson Reuters.
Revenue also beat expectations, coming in at $21.93 billion compared with the $21.73 billion forecast.

Okay, so take those numbers..minus $1 billion...carry the zero...solve for y...and...You blew it, Wells Fargo! You fucking blew it and everyone knows it!

You aren't going to prom. You're never going to prom! Now step away from Jamie and Corbat, don't look at BriMo or Lloyd and keep your stank to yourself. What is wrong with you, Wells Fargo?

Wells Fargo shares fall on fears strong first quarter profit may be reduced by regulatory settlement [CNBC]