Neil Cavuto was doing his show today when who came to visit but Fox Business Chief Italian Dining Correspondent Charles Gasparino.
Ostensibly, Charlie was on the air to discuss some things he'd learned about the stalled effort from House Republicans to rip Dodd-Frank apart at the seams, but after giving Cavuto the boring regulatory news, Charlie pivoted to doing what he does best: Discussing who he saw on his nightly cavort through the fine dining establishments of Midtown Manhattan.
"I had an amazing night last night," Gaspo mentioned apropos of nothing to a cautiously bemused Cavuto who made sure that following tale would be appropriate for television and then let Charlie loose.
Charlie started to weave his yarn with a fun little story about running into Rod Rosenstein at one of Gaspo's favorite haunts. He told Neil that he assured the embattled Deputy Attorney General he was not going "break his nuts" and said a polite "enjoy your dinner" instead. Cavuto seemed intrigued as to why Rosentstein was in town but was otherwise nonplussed.
For a moment, the air hung thick with disappointment. Cavuto, like any Gasparino devotee, must have felt cheated by any story that culminated with Charlie offering a demur "Hey buddy" to a famous figure and not creating some kind of scene. Not even an attempt to break a ball! But then, Charlie's eyes lit up and the man himself delivered a Gasparino soliloquy for the ages.
"Then I went to another restaurant" offered a clearly delighted Gasparino. Cavuto feigned disbelief that Charlie ate at more than one place last night, ignoring the universal truth that Charlie is BFFs with every Maître D' in Midtown.
"So, anyway, I go into this restaurant and there's Gary Cohn!" said Gaspo, a sly grin spreading across his face. Cavuto seemed very pleased by this development what with Charlie and Gary having a bit of a frosty relationship these days. And Gasparino made Cavuto even happier by recounting an immediately contentious experience with Cohn. Apparently Gary had some bones to pick with old Charlie, and pick them he seems to have done, forgetting that Charlie has been known to go on television and settle personal slights.
And settle Charlie did, for here was Gaspo's most salient takeaway from his encounter with The Big Grundle:
"You know what I noticed about Gary Cohn? He's a big - he's a tall guy, right? He's not "Tall" tall, but he's big. He's formidable. He reminds me of Trump, and like Trump - cuz I know Donald a bit - he has very dainty hands."
And Charlie was just getting warmed up...
"It's, like, so weird. He's a big, put-together guy with like - I think the guy plays the piano or something."
But, hey, Gaspo's got nothing against men who tickle the ivories, he just wishes that shaking Gary Cohn's freakishly tiny hands din't feel like holding a rotten peach...
"Listen, I'm 5'9" and my hands are like three times the size of his. And his were very soft...It was, like weird...I'm just telling you; his hands freaked me out. TOTALLY freaked me out."
Oh, yes, Charlie was in a grooooove, you guys, and Cavuto knew it, setting up Charlie with an alley-oop by positing that Gary Cohn might want to get his velvety baby hands around Charlie's neck...
"First off, his hands couldn't fit around my neck. I'm telling you man! My neck is twice the size of his hands, that's the scary part."
No, the scary part was that Charlie still wasn't even done with Gary Cohn's hands. After telling Cavuto that he sent Gary and his "Fat cat" dining companions a round of Shirley Temples, Cavuto gratefully took the bait and asked "What's the significance of Shirley Temples?"
It was then that Gaspo delivered the death blow...
"Because if you're gonna have dainty hands like that, you don't drink man drinks. You drink Shirley Temples. In my view."
We just hope that Gary enjoyed his Shirley Temple, and that he could support the weight of it with his tiny, tiny, carnie hands.
Watch the video and be amazed: