JPMorgan Poaches Carnegie Mellon's Top AI Professor In Clearest Sign Yet That Jamie Dimon Will Transfer His Brain To The Cloud And Become Immortal

Now we know what Jay-Dimez and Travis Kalanick were talking about in that photo.
Author:
Updated:
Original:
(Getty Images)

(Getty Images)

The nation's largest bank is also an adorably lame wannabe early adopter dad who "just loves tech" so it came as something less than a surprise to learn that JPMorgan went and pulled 'An Uber' in a bold move to bolster it's machine learning division...

The largest U.S. bank by assets said Thursday that Carnegie Mellon University’s head of machine learning will join JPMorgan in a new role, head of artificial-intelligence research.
In the position, Manuela Veloso, who is also a professor at Carnegie Mellon, will build on the bank’s existing work applying machine learning technology, according to an internal memo reviewed by The Wall Street Journal.

AI is a big deal for the big banks and will go a long way to streamlining processes (in combo with Jamie Dimon's newly-beloved Blockchain) and cost management (ie automation-induced mass layoffs.) Hiring a big academic name is a nice way to show serious engineers that you're in this for real, but it's hardly a magic bullet. For proof of that negative, let's just gaze and behold the fleet of perfectly operational self-driving cars that Uber has on America's roads after poaching most of Carnegie Mellon's robotics department.

[Insert .gif of tumbleweeds here]

While we look forward to seeing what Veloso does at JPM [the smart money is discovering a way to implant Dimon's consciousness into Marianne Lake's cerebral cortex], we don't expect things to happen very fast. But at least we know what this old picture is all about:

Screen Shot 2018-05-03 at 3.54.21 PM

JPMorgan Taps Carnegie Mellon Professor for New Artificial Intelligence Role [WSJ]

Related

Uber Gives Carnegie Mellon $5.5M, Asks Why It's Not Smiling

We know we poached those scientists baby, but here's a check.

KalanicksArk

Reputed Tech Visionary To Become Actual Billionaire

Travis Kalanick is cashing in on life by cashing out on Uber.

Uber Is Stealing Scientists, But Only So It Can Lay Off Drivers

Another page from Travis Kalanick's "You Mad Bro?" School of Management.

MattZames.Uber

After 13 Years Of Doing Jamie Dimon's Dirty Work, Matt Zames Could Save Uber In His Sleep

Upon reflection, there might only be one choice to clean up Kalanick's mess.

KalanickUberTotalRecall

Guy Who Founded Uber Realizes He Owns Way Too Much Uber Stock

Travis Kalanick wasted no time getting about $500 million lighter on his UBER shares.

KalanickUberTotalRecall

Uber HR Chief Pretty Certain That Uber's Misogyny Is Just Industry Standard Misogyny

Liane Hornsey also think Travis Kalanick is just misunderstood, so...