Deutsche Bank Wondering Aloud If Anyone Wants To Buy A Totally Healthy Not-At-All Broken German Bank

Paul Achleitner has a plan...well, a new plan, the other plans were disastrous and he sees that now.

Yesterday, Deutsche Bank's CFO went out in public and apparently tried to convince a room of people that his bank not in the throes of a full-blown crisis...


[James] Von Moltke assured attendees at the conference that the bank as a whole is "fundamentally sound", pointing to its talented employees, the depth of its client relationships and the strength of Deutsche Bank's balance sheet.

Well, we don't want to say that von Moltke is gilding the lily with all that conceited "fundamentally sound" braggadocio, but it is hard to take him too seriously when we already know that Deutsche is firing any talent that isn't actively quitting or hiding in a barren supplies closet, and that the current depth of its client relationships are shallower than Kardashian marriages [but with less concealed enmity] and also that we can't remember the last time we saw the notion of strength linked in any with Deutsche's balance sheet.

Basically, hearing Deutsche Bank's CFO boast about fundamental soundness is like listening your buddy with a meth problem gloat about his sobriety over dinner while his teeth fall out into his untouched food. It's...hard to watch.

But worry not, ye lovers of die Deutschen banken, for DB chairman Paul Achleitner reportedly has - yet another - plan!

Deutsche Bank AG Chairman Paul Achleitner has spoken with top shareholders about merging with cross-town rival Commerzbank AG as Germany’s largest lender struggles with its turnaround plan, people familiar with the matter said.

Oh? Does Commerzbank know?

Achleitner has discussed a combination of the two lenders with investors and key German government officials in recent months, said the people, who asked not to be identified discussing private conversations. While there are currently no formal discussions between the two banks and any such move is not imminent, the chairman is talking now with stakeholders about a possible deal down the road, they said.

Listen, we love the messy melodrama that is Deutsche Bank possibly more than anybody but if Achleinter is really going around pitching mergers behind his new CEO's back while the CFO runs around trying to make pretend that Deutsche is dealing from any conceivable position of strength...well, meine freunde, the writing on this soap opera is getting ridiculous.

Deutsche Bank close to completing investment banking cuts [FN]

Deutsche Bank Chair Has Talked to Shareholders About a Commerzbank Deal [Bloomberg]